Give A Reason
by Koosh and Kitty
Summary: You know about Kooshball and Kitty Katchan. They're the authors who wrote those stories about two girls from our time meeting the 4077th. But what if it happened to the authors? What would happen? What would take place? Pure insanity, that's what...
1. The Authors

**Guess who's back… Back again? Kitty's back… Tell a friend! Hey, everybody! I'm back!**

**Kyle: Unfortunately…**

**You hush. Anyways, this is the fic Koosh and I are working on together, just like we promised. Yes, it's about the two of us going to the 4077th—the actual us, not our characters. However, before I start it, we would like to get a few things straight…**

**We will not be paired up with any of the MASH characters.**

**We will not somehow amazingly get wonderful surgeon skills and become better surgeons than even Hawkeye.**

**None of the MASH characters will like us right away.**

**And more over, we will be written exactly as we are—we will not change our appearances, names, personality, or anything else. Why?**

**BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GOING TO TURN OURSELVES INTO SOME DAMN MARY SUES! **

**Understand? Good. **

**Now that that's settled… ON WITH THE FIC!**

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**Disclaimer: Neither Koosh or Kitty own MASH. If they did, they would be extremely rich, and would probably be plotting to help bunnies take over the world.**

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**Quote of the Day:**

**Hawkeye (looking for maps of the minefield):** Why aren't they under 'M' for 'mines'?

**Radar:** Because they're under 'B' for 'boom'.

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**Give a Reason (A better title would be greatly appreciated)**

**Chapter 1: The Authors**

_Author 1: Kitty Kat-chan_

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It all started one humid morning in May. Laura, a 15-year-old born in South Carolina with the attention span of a flea, was setting herself up for an all-day MASH marathon.

By 'setting herself up,' I mean she was trying to get the TV from her mother's room into her tiny closet on the other side of the house. Now, you are probably asking yourself, 'WHY is she putting the TV in her closet?'

To be blunt, Laura is not like other girls. If she does something, most of the time she has no reason for it. She just does it because it seems like the most logical thing to do. This was one of those times. To her, putting a TV in a closet seemed to make the most sense.

Her parents—bless their hearts—had decided to go to England for their second honeymoon. After much shouting, crying, whining, and badgering (not to mention 37 verses of 'The Song That Never Ends'), Laura had finally managed to convince them that she was old enough to be left alone for a week.

"All… Most… There…" the brunette wheezed, pushing with as much energy as she could muster. Kyle, her mused, watched from the bed.

"You know, I am extremely entertained right now," he remarked dryly, his tail swishing back and forth lazily.

"I'm so happy for you!" Laura muttered sarcastically. Kyle snorted.

Gritting her teeth, the teen gave one last heave, putting all her energy into it. With a groan, the TV slid in, chipping the paint of the closet as it did.

"Ha! Told ya I could do it!" Laura crowed in triumph.

"Wow, you should get a Nobel Peace prize for that," Kyle said in a false, cheerful voice.

"Bite me," Laura replied in a the same tone.

"Just out of curiosity, how the hell are you gonna fit into that closet with that huge TV in there?" the muse asked.

Laura pondered this.

"I'll manage," she finally answered before stepping into the closet to hook up with TV and cable-box wires up.

She crouched down in front of the TV and studied the many wires. There were blue wires, green wires, red wires, white wires, yellow wires… She picked up a red wire and studied it, then looked back at the box.

"Hm… Does this go here?" she poked at one circuit. "…Or does it go here?" She poked at another.

"Why don't you look at the manual, O Great Genius?" Kyle suggested.

Laura turned to him, looking slightly offended. "Manual? I don't need no stinkin' manual!" she retorted. She then stuck her nose in the air, 'humphed,' and returned her attention back to the wires.

People always say that patience is a virtue. Laura was not a patient person. And she didn't believe in virtues. Hell, she didn't believe in much of anything—except for sporks and bunnies. She had a very firm belief that sporks and bunnies would one day take over the universe. Why? Well the way she figured it, because of it's pointy ends, a spork was a wonderful weapon—she knew this because she stabbed her brother with a fork at his 5th birthday party when she was three.

She also believed that your average spork had a life of it's own. Why?

Allow me to explain; Laura went to a daycare that had a firm belief that Disney movies knew all and would lead children on the path of good. During the years of which Laura attended this daycare, the adults were particularly partial to the movie 'Pocahontas'—the movie about the Native American chick who fell in love with the blonde dude.

In fact, they were so partial to it, that they had the children watch it over and over and over again.

If you have ever seen Pocahontas, then you should remember the song that she sang to the blonde dude—that 'Colors of the Wind' song. Well, one of those lyrics was this—

"…_And I know that every rock and tree and creature_

_has a life, has a spirit, has a name."_

That 'has a life, has a spirit, has a name' part stuck with her all through the years.

In other words, if you haven't figured it out by now, she believed that every single inanimate object had a will of it's own. And to her, since sporks made such handy weapons and had their own lives, she was convinced that they had plans to take over the world.

But what about bunnies? There was only one reason for that; their excessive breeding habits. To her, anything that multiplied more of it's own kind that quickly could not be up to any good.

But look, I am rambling off topic. Let's get back to the story—where was I? Oh yes…

"Oh, screw it!" the teen shouted impatiently when she was at her wits end. She then proceeded to hook up the wires into random circuits, not even thinking about the consequences of her actions. She never did think things over…

"Uh, Kitty, I'm not so sure about this…" Kyle said nervously, watching his creator's actions warily.

"Nonsense!" the teen said nonchalantly, pulling her black beanbag into the closet before plopping down. She then picked up the TV and cable-box's cords and threw them to the muse.

"Hook those up for me," she ordered.

Kyle jumped down from the bed, shuffling slowly toward the wires. Once he reached them, he bent hesitantly. Then he asked, "Are you sure about this?"

"Kyle, when have I ever done anything incredibly stupid that would risk our lives?" Laura asked in a kindly tone, touched by her normally sadistic muses' concerns.

"Yesterday, when you decided we should try bungee-jumping from the house," Kyle reminded her. The author blinked.

"Oh yeah… Well this is different. What could go wrong? Don't worry so much, alright?"

Kyle sighed. "I don't know…"

Laura became impatient.

"Kylicus Demetrias Dominicas! HOOK UP THOSE CORDS!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" he screamed back. He picked up the cord with his teeth and raced to the circuit. He dropped both cords into his paw.

Shaking the cords at his creator, he growled, "I hope you get electrocuted from this!" before hooking them up.

For five seconds, nothing happened. Smirking, Laura reached towards the knob on the TV to turn it on.

Then—

FZZZZZZZZZT! CRACKLE! 

"**_YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" _**Laura screamed as she was electrocuted. The closet was filled with bright blue lightning. Kyle yelped and ran out.

The teens' eyes rolled back into her head as her body jolted. Vaguely, she figured it was her time to cross over into the land of sporks, bunnies, and pixie stix.

Then—

BAM! FLASH! 

She disappeared.

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**  
Koosh here, with the second part of this chapter. Don't ask what we have planned for this later on, cos I don't know yet. Kitty probably doesn't really know either. Kyle, Kitty's muse, might, so go talk to him.**

**Anything that sounds incredibly smart (i.e. psychology type stuff) is NOT me being a Mary-Sue, I'm not going to replace Sidney Freedman or anything as a fantastic psychologist/psychiatrist. I'm actually learning psych at school, and it is not, in fact, incredibly smart. And even though we spend most of the time in class telling bad jokes, I do actually learn something during these classes. Just to prove it, I'll include one of our really bad jokes.**

**Q. What's red and looks like a bucket?**

**A. A red bucket.**

**Q. What's blue and looks like a bucket?**

**A. A red bucket in disguise.**

**Told you the jokes were bad. Anyway, onwards!  
****  
**_Author 2: Kooshball_

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Holly (a.k.a. Koosh) was eighteen, just. She was an average sort of girl, with dark brown hair that swept past her shoulders ("swept", HA! More like clumped. It was fine, but didn't like staying all sleek and shiny like on TV) and blue eyes. Not clear blue, mind, more of a murky, muddy sort of blue, like a texta that had been contaminated by another colour. Holly was about medium height, average weight and hated how she looked, but doesn't every teen? She was also incredibly quiet. When she wasn't at home, that is. If you annoyed her, like REALLY annoyed her, Holly could yell with the best of them. Better than the best of them, even. She got her short temper from her mother, and it often resulted in a fight about once or twice a week between the two. Luckily, Holly, her parents and little brother lived in central Victoria, Australia, was one of the remotest parts of the southern half of Australia, so there were no neighbours to annoy.

It was one of these fights that started all this.

"Why can't I go into town?" That was Holly yelling.

"Because that means someone's got to take you in, then someone's got to go in to bring you back." That was her mum (or 'Mom' to American readers).

"It's not like I ask for much!" It's true, she didn't.

"Fuel costs a fortune though!" It's true. And half an hour into town, and half an hour back, twice, that was at least a quarter of a tank.

"Fine then, I won't have a social life!" With that last comment, Holly stalked off to her room to sulk. She could be very unreasonable when upset, but ask anyone who knew her at school, they'll tell you she's a thoughtful, kind girl, who never got angry or held a grudge (they obviously didn't know her as well as they thought). Holly's favourite reply to this was "Yeah, but I still look like a bitch on paper."

Holly was a writer. An amateur writer, but one day, she planned to write the Great Australian Novel. Anyway, she spent much of her time writing (mainly MASH fics, though there was a Pokemon fic in the works) when she should have really been doing homework or walking the dog or stacking the dishwasher or something else vitally important. This is what she went to do when she went to her room to sulk. She'd been typing away for a good half hour (on her new laptop, her eighteenth birthday present from her parents) when her mum came into her room.

"Are you coming to eat?" she asked.

"No," Holly replied, not looking up from the screen.

"It's on the bench if you change your mind," her mum tried again.

"Whatever," Holly said, still typing. (See, she could be very unreasonable.)

"Look, after you get your licence and your own car, you can go where ever you want," her mum snapped loudly.

"You always say that!" Holly yelled. "_You can do what you want when you leave home_, or, _You can see whoever you want when you leave home_. Are you trying to get rid of me? Why don't I leave home now?" Her mother left her bedroom, and the teen spent another hour sulking.

Holly didn't leave her room until about eleven o'clock that night, when her parents had both gone to bed. She went into the kitchen, cooked some two minute noddles (well, she didn't actually _cook_ them, she boiled some water then poured it over the noodles and the flavouring in the little plastic satchel that it came with, but you know what I mean) and went to watch the last three quarters of a movie with her brother. He left about halfway through, but Holly stayed up to see the end.

It was about half part twelve when the credits of the movie started rolling. The teen stood up, stretched, let the dog out and went to her room. She had decided against a shower until morning, when the water would be at its hottest. Lately, it had started getting cold, as they were getting into the colder months. Don't forget, Holly lives in Australia, so June is the beginning of her winter, and December to February the hottest months of the year.

Holly stopped at her door, which is always closed, slightly confused. Light struggled to get underneath the gap in the door, and she'd sworn she's turned her lamp off (it was too faint to be her normal light). It couldn't have been her muse; she didn't own one. Though she wanted one, she also knew muses could be fussy, whiney, bitchy things that complained a lot. Plus, she didn't have a permit to keep one. Holly opened the door, and froze.

Holly has a large bedroom, about six metres by about three and a half, the long wall closest the door made up of built in closets. There's a bookshelf by the door covered in books and a few trinkets she can't bear to put in a closet, a chest of drawers beside the bed that doubles as a bedside table, and a desk on the other side of her bed for her laptop. Like most teens bedrooms, Holly's room was a mess; mostly clothes piled up on the dresser, and shoes with no partners scattered on the floor, half hidden under discarded pages and blankets. On the back of her door, there was a poster she'd painted last year for art, of a blond anime style girl with blue paint splattered across her pink skirt, and the words _Just one of those days_ on it. Based on Izzy, Holly's favourite original character, of course.

There was a new feature to Holly's room when she opened her door. Namely a woman with short dark hair in a long pink dress and gold hoop earrings, staring in awe at her laptop. For a moment, Holly said nothing.

"Who the hell are you?" Holly hissed loudly once she'd got over the first shock, closing the door behind her. She didn't need to wake her parents up, not just yet, especially since the woman looked kind of familiar. "And what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" The woman jumped, and turned to face Holly, who took a step back. Ok, maybe it wasn't a woman.

"Hi," Klinger said, giving the girl a wave. Holly was too stunned to scream, let alone bolt out of her room to her parent's room to wake them up. She staggered a little, resting against the wall in shock.

"Ok," Holly said, breathing very quickly. "I mustn't be getting enough sleep. This is just a hallucination." She glanced up at Klinger, and another wave of dizziness hit her. "Pretty real damn hallucination," she muttered. "Can't be sleep deprivation induced, 'cause that takes a couple of days straight without sleep. Maybe this is a dream. A lucid dream maybe. Damn Kitty Kat Chan and her story, she's got me believing TV characters can just appear out of thin air."

"You sound pretty smart for a kid," Klinger said. "Maybe you can tell me where we are, and why my closet leads to here. This ain't Korea." Holly felt a little less sick, and maybe a bit of pride. She was taking year twelve psychology, and although her marks weren't the best, she was pleased to have someone acknowledge what she'd learnt. The pride left quickly, however, and Holly staggered over to the bed.

"Of course this isn't Korea," Holly said, sitting on the bed. "And you're not real. You can't be. I mean, if this was one of those cheap rip off fanfics based on my time warp idea, maybe, but it's not." **(Koosh: I'd like to point out at this moment that I love all the fics that are "ripped off" from my time warp idea, I just get very unreasonable under stress.)**

"Well, if anyone's not real," Klinger said, slightly indignantly, "it's you and this room. I've never seen most of the stuff in here." He pointed to the laptop. "Like that, what is that?" he asked.

"Never mind about that," Holly said. "How'd you get here? Because you can go back there, _now_."

"Back of my closet fell out," Klinger replied, pointing towards one of the slightly open closet doors, the second furtherest one from the door. Holly stood up again, and had a look around the open door. Daylight leaked through the dresses in the closet, and when she pushed past them a little, she could see a green army tent, decorated in military green with nothing in it but a cot and a mannequin. Holly had to go sit back on the bed again.

"Wow," she said. She looked at Klinger. "What the hell made you come through the closet into my room?" she demanded suddenly.

"So you're saying you wouldn't have come through if you had found that the closets were connected?" Klinger asked.

"Of course not!" Holly snapped. "Go on, get! Go back to Korea!"

"Gees, you're pushy," Klinger complained. Holly pushed him through the closet, closed the door, and sat back on the bed, feeling kind of weak. She looked around her room, wondering how long he'd been in there and what he had touched. Even though Klinger was one of her favourite characters, she was weirded out that she'd found him in her room. She felt her heart jump a moment. What if she'd had a shower, and come back to her room with nothing but a towel on? _That_ could have been very embarrassing.

Holly jumped up from the bed, and grabbed her backpack, loaded with the things she had wanted to take into town with her. She went and stood in front of the closet, taking a few deep breaths.

Then Holly did something incredibly stupid, something so brain numbingly dumb, so unthinkable, she didn't really realise what she was doing until it was too late.

She went though the closet into Klinger's tent.


	2. The Compound

**Koosh: Ok, so here's chapter 2. There aren't any distinguishable parts to this chapter that Kitty and I wrote separately, it was a pretty mixed thing.**

**Kitty: -chewing on a buffalo wing- Yup, yup, yup it should be a lot of fun! Hm, this ain't spicy enough… KYLE! MORE SAUCE! AND MAKE IT FAST!**

**Kyle: YOU EVIL PSYCHOTIC BITCH!**

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**Disclaimer: **

**Koosh: We do not own MASH. We do not own Fox. We do not own anything, Sam I am.**

**Kitty: -studying buffalo wing bone thoughtfully- Ain't it a shame? **

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**Quote of the Day:**

**Hawkeye:** Hello, Frank!

**Trapper:** Hi Frank!

**Frank:** A lot you care!

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**Give a Reason **

**Chapter 2: The Compound**

_Author 1 & 2: Kitty and Koosh

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_

When Laura opened her eyes, she realized two things—1) Her beloved Spork (which she always kept in her pocket) was digging its pointy ends into her hip, and 2) she was in a very green place. She sat up and stood, rid herself of the annoying pain, and… blinked. And blinked. And blinked. She did this for quite a while before deciding to go outside.

She blinked once more, and looked around.

"Oh, wow," she said in a deadpan voice. "I've somehow gotten myself into my favourite TV show." She thought about this for a second before grinning.

"Sweet!" she whispered, doing a little dance in her happiness.

Laura had been standing there for only a moment, when a woman collided into her, sending them both sprawling across the ground.

"Hell!" the woman was saying, struggling to get up. A man skidded around the corner, and he grabbed both Laura and the other woman.

"Got you, you thieving Koreans!" he yelled gleefully. Laura's knees went weak when she realised this was Frank Burns, _Major Frank Burns_, from the TV show, MASH.

"I'm not Korean!" the other woman snapped, trying to pull away. "Let go of me!"

"I don't think so," Frank said. "You're coming to see the Lieutenant Colonel." He gave Laura a look. "Both of you."

"I didn't do nothin', crazy man!" Laura protested, digging her heels into the dust as Frank tried to pull them along.

"Neither did I," said the woman, trying to grab the framework of a tent as they got pulled past.

"Sargent!" Frank bellowed to a passing MP. "Help me take these two thieves to the CO's office!"

"You want me to take the little 'un, or the big 'un?" the Sargent drawled slowly as he ambled up.

"Take her!" Frank said, yelling (like a girl) as the woman bit him. The Sargent held the woman's arms down, and marched her in front of him as she spat and tried to rid her mouth of Frank's, probably quite bitter, taste.

"If you want," the Sargent said, "you can leave 'em in a spare tent and I'll stand guard while you get Henry Blake."

"Good idea," Frank replied, trying to keep a hold of Laura while checking the bite on his hand. He glared at the woman. "I'll probably need a shot now," he spat at her. She poked her tongue out at him.

"Yeah, well I hope I've given you rabies or something," she replied. The two were taken to the VIP tent, and Frank seemed to take great pleasure in pushing them in roughly.

Unfortunately for Ferret Face, Laura was not one to be pushed around. Especially when she had a spork in her pocket.

Said spork was pulled out and waved in front of the Ferret's face.

"You have angered the Spork God!" she screamed. "Feel its wrath, puny man! DIE!"

And with that, Laura stabbed Frank with her spork, right in the arm.

"AAAAAAAAHH!" Frank screamed like a sissy, swinging his arm violently as he tried to get the completely mad child off of him.

The woman found this to be hilarious. She laughed loudly, clutching her gut as she did so, tears leaking out of her eyes as the crazy, 5', 5" tall, skinny little kid repeatedly stabbed Frank with a plastic spork. She didn't even know sporks were around in the 50's!

"YOU LITTLE BRAT!" Frank screamed, before FINALLY yanking the spork from the enraged teen and throwing it across the compound.

"SPORKY!" Laura wailed, anguished, watching her beloved Sporky fly through the air. She rounded on Frank.

"YOU SICK MAN! YOU ARE A SICK, SICK MAN!" she roared, pounding her fists against him.

Frank growled, and pushed them roughly into the tent.

"This'll teach you to steal from an officer," he said snottily. He marched off as the door closed. The woman calmed down a bit before opening the tent door slightly and peeking out.

"That Sargent guy is still out there," she said to Laura.

"Oh my god, I've been sucked into one of those fics, where the Mary Sues get caught in the MASH universe! Oh God, I'm gonna turn into a Mary Sue!" Laura was saying, panicking slightly. "Frank Burns, war, Korea, it's turning into some horrible nightmare!" She turned onto the woman. "Why don't you just return what you stole?" Laura demanded. "I didn't do anything and I'm getting into trouble!"

"Hey, I didn't do anything either!" the woman said. "I've been here for a whole ten minutes, for crying out loud! Come on, who are you going to believe, Ferret Face or me?"

"I don't even know you, lady," Laura pointed out, crossing her arms.

"Lady?" the woman asked with a laugh. "You think I'm a lady? I'm only eighteen. And I'm sure Frank'll tell you I'm no lady. Ladies do not bite." She gave Laura a grin, then stuck her hand out. "I'm Holly," she said. "Fanfiction writer, teenager, and now, stuck in the MASH world."

"Laura," Laura replied, shaking her hand, and wondering if this girl wasn't a 'lady', why was she being so formal? "Spork worshipper, bunny worshipper, lawn-gnome worshipper, fanfiction writer, muse owner, teenager, and zapped into the MASH world by my damned TV."

"We need to do something," Holly said. "When Frank bloody Burns gets back, you know he's going to try and get us court-martials."

"I'm not even part of the army," Laura said.

"Neither am I, but you think that's going to stop him from trying to send us to the stockade?" Holly asked. "Come on, see if there's anything in here that we can use to get out of here."

"Uh, Holly?" Laura said. Holly turned as Laura lifted up the tent wall at the back.

"Smart," Holly said with a grin. She took off her backpack and pushed it through the gap before crawling through the space herself. She held the canvas up as Laura crawled through.

"Now what?" Laura asked.

"Hey, you seem to be the one with the ideas," Holly said.

"But you're older than me," Laura argued, scrunching up her nose a little—something she always did when she argued.

"Hell, it's like arguing with my younger brother, if he were a girl," Holly moaned. She turned around to walk away, only to bump into the Sargent. Laura turned to run in the opposite direction, but found Frank, and even more terrifying, Margaret Houlihan, blocking her path.

"MY GOD, IT'S HIDEOUS!" the teen screamed as she pointed at Hotlips who started glowering instantly.

"I'm going to start watching where I'm going now," Holly said as the Sargent grabbed her.

The two were dragged to Colonel Blake's office, with Holly shouting to the top of her lungs that she knew her rights (she watched a lot of American TV), and Laura screaming that the Spork god would come and kill them all.

At that moment, Henry had been in the middle of something important—by important, I mean he was busy dining and wining one of the nurses whose name escapes me.

"LIEUTENANT COLONEL!" Frank whined in that annoying way of his as the ferret, Hotlips and the Sargent barged in, Holly and Laura in tow.

Henry groaned. _'For once, Lord,' _he moaned to that mysterious dude in the sky. _'For once, could you just PLEASE give me a few moments of peace with a nurse, and not be interrupted? Is that too much to ask?'_

Apparently yes. Yes it was.

"What is it now, Frank?" the CO sighed, waving goodbye to the nurse who's name I STILL can't remember as she left.

"Sir, I have caught two thieving Koreans, and I demand that they be court martialled and sent to the stockades!" Frank demanded.

"You all shall burn in the fiery depths of Hell for angering the Spork God!" screamed Laura as the tiny girl hopped up and down in rage.

"I'm innocent until proven guilty! I know my rights! I'M EDUCATED!" Holly shrieked. Laura paused and looked to her new friend.

"You are?" she asked in a small voice. The older girl nodded.

"That's so admirable! You have my respect!" Laura whispered in awe, tears shimmering in her eyes. Holly grinned.

"Cool."

"Yeah, it is cool."

Henry shook his head—he was confused, annoyed, and sexually frustrated. Of course, you didn't really need to know about the sexually frustrated part.

"Frank, what the hell is going on?" he asked. Laura brightened.

"Hey, that's the name of one of my fics!" she said happily. Holly looked at her sharply.

"What'd you say?" she questioned softly as Frank complained loudly about being bitten and stabbed with plastic utensils.

Laura blinked. "Huh?" was her intelligent reply.

"What was the name of your fic?"

Laura blinked. "'What The Hell Is Going On?' is the name of my fic… Why?"

Holly's eyes widened. She held out her arms. "KITTY KAT-CHAN!" she squealed, glomping the younger girl. Said girl yelped.

"Get her OFF me!" Laura yelled, trying to push the older girl off her. Frank, Margaret and Henry just stared. The Sargent MP seemed to preoccupied with a button on the floor to actually notice this strange behaviour.

"You're not going to believe this," Holly said when Laura finally pushed her off. The older teen had a crazy grin on her face. "Remember how I said I was a fanfiction writer?" Laura nodded, quite nervously. Holly grinned even wider. "I'm Kooshball," she said simply. Laura's jaw for a moment.

"OH MY SPORK!" she yelled, before squealing and hugging the other girl tightly.

"What is going on?" Henry demanded before either girl could start screaming hysterically or anything.

"These two," Frank said, pushing the two girls forward, "have stolen my mother. And they're obviously communists. What kind of American name would Koshi Bali be?"

"It's Kooshball, and what would we want with your mother?" Holly wanted to know, distracted enough by the push to remember what was happening around them.

"A photo in a silver frame, you idiot," Frank snapped. Holly glared at him, and delivered a swift kick to the shin. While Frank hopped around noisily, rubbing where Holly's sneaker hit him, Holly stood up straight and respectable.

"Sir, Laura and I have been in camp for less than half an hour. I have never seen Frank's mother before, and we don't have her," she said. Holly noticed the look Laura was giving her. "I learnt how to suck up to adults at an early age," she whispered to the younger girl. "It's got me out of more trouble than you could believe."

"Lieutenant Colonel, they are Korean thieves!" Frank insisted. He stopped hopping on one foot long enough to snatch Holly's backpack.

"HEY!" Holly hollered, grabbing her bag back. It had been a present from a faerie when she saved it from a dangerous snail.

Oh ok, she bought it cheap at K-Mart, happy?

"Do I LOOK Korean?" Laura demanded. "Do I LOOK like I would want a picture of HIS mother? I mean, honestly. He's so ugly, I don't even wanna _IMAGINE _what his mama looked like!"

Frank growled. "You can't talk about my mother that way!" he shrieked. Laura narrowed her eyes.

"Oh yeah, spork-killer? Watch me!"

"Don't you mean hear me?" Holly asked.

Laura pondered this for a few seconds before shrugging. "Meh, same difference," she grunted before turning back to Frank.

She cleared her throat, and said…

"Your mama had a glass eye with a fish in it!" she shouted.

Frank gasped.

Margaret, who until up to this point had been uncharacteristically quiet for the last few minutes, suddenly spoke up.

"Shut your mouth! Insolent brats," were her exact words, probably yelled more than actually spoken. But at least she said something.

Henry surveyed the room for a moment. The oldest girl and Frank were struggling with the backpack, the younger girl was threatening Margaret with a spork once she got it back, whatever that might be, and the Sargent, standing by the door and staring at the roof. Henry waited for quiet, not realising it might be a while until they actually calmed down. After a moment (Holly had started yelling abuse at Frank and calling him Ferret Face, while Laura was trying to stomp on Margaret's feet, screaming to the top of her lungs about how the bunnies and the sporks would join forces with the Lawn-Gnomes-of-the-Dark-Side (DUN DUN DUN!) would take over). Henry cleared his throat. When this went ignored, he tried louder. Eventually…

"Everyone calm down!" he yelled, surprising even himself. Laura was frozen on one leg, having hurt her foot on those tough army boots Margaret wore, Margaret with a fading look of contempt on her face, and Frank and Holly still gripping the backpack. Holly took the chance to snatch it back. Even the Sargent had looked up from studying a mark on one of his knuckles.

"Give me the backpack," Henry said to Holly. Sulkily, Holly dropped the bag onto the desk. Henry opened it, and started pulling stuff out.

Out came a Gameboy, sunglasses, wallet, a hard covered book, ('While I live" by John Marsden, if you're interested) an assortment of pens, two or three exercise books filled with messy hand writing, several cans of paint spray, for some reason a purple fuzzy Willy Wonka hat, another set of clothes and extra pair of shoes.

"No frame, Frank," Henry said, shrugging.

Laura brightened again. "Hey, that kinda rhymed!" she said cheerily. Henry gave her a sharp look. Holly snatched back her bag and started shoving her belongings back into it.

"What about the side pockets?" Frank demanded.

"You don't need to go through there," Holly said hurriedly, thinking about the season one disks of MASH in said side pockets, one which just happened to have Frank's face on the cover. "Um, just some personal things in there."

"I knew it! You DO have my mother in there!" Frank yelled, diving at Holly who jumped out of the way.

"Bit of a tight fit for a full grown woman, don't you think Trap?" a voice from the doorway asked. Laura and Holly both turned, eyes wide and sparkly, like you see on those anime cartoons.

Hawkeye and Trapper stood there, looking very relaxed in their bathrobes and slippers. If Laura was excited when she first realised where she was, that was nothing compared to now.

"It's Hawkeye and Trapper, IT'S HAWKEYE AND TRAPPER!" she screamed, and she probably would have thrown herself at them had she not tripped over Margaret, leaving both herself and the major in a heap on the floor. Holly was slightly more calm.

"Holy crap!" she exclaimed quietly, feeling all dizzy for a moment.

"What's going on?" Trapper asked, once he'd recovered from Laura's startling reaction.

"These Korean brats have stolen my mother's frame," Frank said, trying to grab Holly's bag again. "Not to mention attacked and abused an officer."

"SPORKY SHALL HAVE HIS REVENGE, MORTAL!" Laura roared.

"What officer, Henry?" Hawkeye asked.

"No, you dolt, me!" Frank said in a high pitched voice, dropping the bag. Holly held it close to her chest and stuck her tongue out at Frank's back.

"You started it," she retorted.

"You don't count as an officer," Trapper said to Frank, sneering slightly.

"Lieutenant Colonel," Frank whined. "Do something! They're undermining my authority!"

"Here's your frame, Frank," Hawkeye said suddenly, holding out the silver picture frame that had been the cause of all the trouble. "We were using it as a coaster."

"There's gin stains on the glass," Frank pouted.

"Oh my LORD, grow up!" Laura yelled. "I've had enough of your bitching and complaining, and how long have I known you?"

"Who are they?" Hawkeye asked Henry, nodding at the girls.

"Don't know," Henry replied helplessly. "Frank dragged them in here, claiming they were Korean kids who stole his mother's frame."

"Yeah, but that don't matter now," Holly said. "You guys wanna show us around? Laura and I want to see the camp." Hawkeye and Trapper glanced at each other. Why not, Hawkeye shrugged to his friend.

"Come on, kids," Trapper said. "Let's go." Holly and Laura followed Hawkeye and Trapper out of Henry's office, but they couldn't resist poking their tongues out at Frank and Margaret one final time before leaving.

"Remember—_I know where you live,_" Laura hissed before the door closed.


	3. The Insanity

**Kitty: Hello, everybody! Koosh and Kitty here with the third chapter of GAR—aka, Give A Reason.**

**Koosh: We're sorry it took so long, but Kitty's computer had a bit of a problem…**

**Kitty: -sniff- The remains of Hurricane Dennis flew over South Carolina (my state), and it's stupid thunderstorms completely fried my disk, the one that had my part of the third chapter on it. I WAS SO UPSET!**

**Kyle: She was. She was crying like a little sissy for weeks!**

**Zing: BUBBLES HAHAHAHAHA BUBBLES BUBBLES WHEEEEEEEE!**

**Kitty: …I'll ignore that one, Kyle. Anyways, everyone, I'd like you to meet Zing! He's my newest muse! He takes care of all my insanity…**

**Koosh: Shows, doesn't it?**

**Kyle: Then what's my job?**

**Kitty: You're in charge of all the sarcastic-ness and foul language.**

**Kyle: …Oh. Okay, then.**

**Koosh: I got a new muse, too! –pulls out 6 inch fire salamander- Everyone, meet Whisky! She will be addressing all of you reviews and flames... Geddit? She's a fire salamander?**

**-groans from the readers-**

**Whisky: Idiot.**

**Koosh: -rolls eyes- She doesn't talk much, but when she does, she's oh-so charming.**

**Kitty: -claps hands- Enough talkin'! We gots a story to write! ON WITH THE CHAPTER!**

* * *

**  
Disclaimer:**

**Koosh: Kitty, it's your turn to say the disclaimer…**

**Kitty: -looks up from Gameboy- Huh? Oh yeah… Ahem, neither Koosh nor I own MASH. We do not own Fox. We do not own the songs that you will see in here, because most of them are from the movie Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. In fact, we do not own many things. Like Denzel Washington… Or Viggo Mortenson… Or Orlando Bloom… Elijah Wood… Alan Alda… Adam Sessler…**

**Koosh: -hands Kitty a buffalo wing which she immediately begins to eat- You get the idea.**

* * *

**Quote of the Day:**

**Henry (watching his desk fly through the air):** I don't know _what_ it's doing up there. It just keeps going up and up and up...

* * *

**Give A Reason**

**Chapter 3: The Insanity  
**_  
Authors 1 & 2: Koosh and Kitty_

_

* * *

_

"And over there is the Mess Tent…" 

"You're Trapper McIntyre…"

"Yes… And you're…?"

"Laura… You're _TRAPPER MCINTYRE…_"

"Yes… You've just established that…"

"You're Hawkeye Pierce…"

"Yeah… And you're Hilary?"

"Holly… You're _HAWKEYE PIERCE…_"

"Yeah, that's who I was the last time I checked…"

If you had been walking around the compound that hot summer morning, this is one of the many scenes you would have probably seen. Picture this: Hawkeye and Trapper walking side-by-side, pointing out various tents with small, slightly uncomfortable smiles on their faces. Following them closely is two girls, both with brown hair and of medium height. They are staring at the two men adoringly, neither blinking or averting their gazes.

That is exactly what Laura and Holly were doing; following two of their most favorite characters around the compound in complete awe.

"Over there is the women's showers," Hawkeye continued, pointing. The two girls gave it a brief glance.

Laura sighed dreamily. "That's nice—SPORKY!" The two men were pushed away as ecstatic teen rushed past them, sprinting towards something small and white lying on the ground a few feet away.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" she screeched, scooping up the dusty spork. She babbled happily to it, oblivious to the fact that Hawkeye and Trapper were staring at her as if she were insane, and she continued to babble to the plastic utensil until she noticed…

…That one of her beloved Sporky's pointed ends was chipped!

The teen through her head back in anguish. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SPORKY! YOU'RE POINTY-END-OF-**DOOM** IS GONE! YOU HAVE BEEN MUTATED! WHY? WHY OH WHY CRUEL WORLD? WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYY?"

She began to sob hysterically, her face buried in her hands. Pedestrians passing by made as much space as possible between them and the girl sobbing over a plastic utensil. Hawkeye and Trapper exchanged glasses. The dark haired surgeon tapped the side of his head with a finger and mouthed, 'not quite right.' Trapper nodded in agreement.

Fortunately for them, Holly (who was very protective of her friends) did not see the Hawkeye's gesture. She ran over to her friend and threw an arm around her.

"There, there, it's okay," she said soothingly. "We can fix Sporky."

Laura immediately stopped crying as she sat up straight, her eyes bright. "You're right! We can fix him! But first, we must find his Pointy-End-of-**DOOM**!"

And so, the two girls began to crawl around on the dirt, searching for Sporky's Pointy-End-of-**DOOM**. Hawkeye and Trapper watched them from a safe distance. Then Trapper noticed something on the ground, near his foot. He nudged his friend. Hawkeye looked at the curly-haired man questioningly. Trapper nodded down to the tiny white triangle near his foot. Hawkeye swooped down and picked it up, then studied it in his hand for a few seconds.

"Hey!" he shouted, still staring at the end. "Is this what you were lookin' for?"

Immediately, the two girls rushed over. Hawkeye held it out to Laura, who squealed and snatched it up.

"YAY! THANK YOU! SPORKY HAS HIS POINTY-END-OF-**DOOM** BACK!" she shouted happily. Hawkeye and Trapper exchanged glances again.

"You're welcome…?"

"Come on, Kitty!" Holly shouted, grabbing the younger girl's arm. "Let's go fix Sporky so we can bug Frank so more!"

And with that, the two girls rushed off, leaving Hawkeye and Trapper to stare after them silently.

"Nice girls," Hawkeye finally said, in a tone one uses when talking about the weather. Trapper nodded.

"Bit psychotic, though."

"Yeah, that's true," Hawkeye agreed, and with that, the two walked off to have a drink.

* * *

"Don't worry Sporky, you'll be back to your old world-dominating self in no time!" Laura chirped to the plastic utensil as she coated the tiny piece of plastic's end with glue. They were in Colonel Henry's office, repairing the future monarch's tip. 

Henry was the only one who did not look happy and/or amused.

"…" said Sporky. Holly held down Sporky as the younger carefully replaced the Pointy-End-of-**DOOM** to its original place.

"There you go! You're all better now!" Laura said happily, tapping the newly restored tip.

_Snick._

The tip fell off.

"POINTY-END-OF-**DOOM**!" Laura wailed, diving after it. Henry scowled, and Holly repressed a giggle. This was just like a sitcom!

Three more times the tip fell off, and three more times was it restored. Finally, after the third time, Laura finally understood that she was **NOT** supposed to touch the Pointy-End-of-**DOOM** until the glue was dry.

Laura carefully placed Sporky on the desk, and straightened him neatly. She then smiled up at Henry's scowling face.

"Thank you for volunteering to watch Sporky while he dries!" she said cheerfully.

"I _DIDN'T _volunteer. You decided," the colonel pointed out.

"Same difference," Holly replied, shrugging. Laura patted the spork gently before turning to her friend.

"Ok! Sporky's in good hands! Let's go explorin'!"

Holly agreed eagerly, and the two girls rushed out. Henry stared after them, blinking, before looking down at the spork.

"…What are you starin' at?" he asked the plastic utensil.

"…" replied the spork.

* * *

Holly and Laura had been wondering around the compound for quite a while—about two hours, they guessed. During these two hours, the two girls had performed every single random act of insanity they could think of. By the time lunch came around, the two girls had already gotten thrown out of the Mess Tent, the Post-op tent, the Officer's Club, Rosie's Bar, Margaret's tent, Igor's tent, the showers, the latrines, and even Radar's office. 

"Well now what?" Holly sighed as she and the younger girl shuffled down the dirt road. Laura scrunched up her nose and did something so **AMAZING**, so **ASTOUNDING**, so **INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLE**, that the **WHOLE FREAKIN' WORLD** stopped turnin' for about five seconds.

She thought. Yes, that's right she thought. NO, the apocalypse is NOT coming.

Hey! What's that look for? Huh? HUH? LAURA IS PERFECTLY CAPAPBLE OF THINKING! JUST BECAUSE SHE LIKES TO DO LIFE THREATENING THINGS, LIKE TURN HERSELF INTO A HUMAN SACRIFICE, OR GO CLIMB UP THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE WHILE YOUR COUSIN USES YOU FOR TARGET PRACTICE, YOU THINK SHE'S INCAPABLE OF THINKING! WELL, SHE'S NOT!

…So there.

Anyways, Laura thought for a long time. Her face was all scrunched up in concentration. It looked like it was a hard task for her. Then she brightened, an idea in her head.

"I know! Let's go explore the area outside the compound!"

Holly stared at the younger girl.

"…You do realize there are snipers out there, right?" she asked finally. The younger girl shrugged.

"So what! We'll survive!" she chirped. Holly shook her head.

"I don't know, Laura—"

However, Laura was not listening to Holly. She was sprinting away, down the dirt road, singing that song about big butts—what's it called again? Oh yeah, she was singing 'Baby Got Back.'

"Laura!" Holly shouted, dashing after her friend. After all, she was the oldest of the two! It was her responsibility to take care of the younger girl.

And so, Holly chased her friend down the dirt road, out of the compound, past the fields, and towards a tiny little farm where an innocent, normal, hard-working, and peaceful Korean family lived. Unfortunately for the family, their uneventful little life was about to be turned upside down…

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a farm. Yes, this farm is the farm I was talking about in the paragraph above this one. And on this farm, there lived a Korean man—let's call him Bob. I'm too lazy to go on the Internet to look for Korean names right now. 

Bob lived on his tiny little farm with his wife of ten years (who we shall call Sue), his widowed mother (who we shall call Inga), and their two wonderful children (who we shall call Hansel and Gretel).

Bob was a peaceful, hardworking man who led an uneventful, simple, and pleasant life. He never asked for much. He never did anything wrong. He was faithful to his wife, he took good care of his mother, and he did his very best to provide for his wonderful children, whom he adored with all his heart and soul.

So, really, there was no reason for him to be cursed with the arrival of the two insane girls…

On that summer morning, Bob was plowing the fields, faithfully following his usual routine. However, unbeknownst to him, that day was going to be a little different…

"HIIIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

The poor man almost jumped out of his skin. He whirled around, and found himself face-to-face with a skinny girl who had a very wide, creepy smile on her face.

Startled, Bob babbled something in Korean. However, Laura did not understand. To her, it sounded like "Blah blah blah, blah bleh bleeh bloh blah." However, the smile was not wiped from Laura's face. And her ever-so cheerful attitude had not diminished either.

"Hi sir! I don't understand you but I wanna talk to you anyway!"

Bob blinked. "Blah bloh bleh blah?" he asked. Laura shrugged.

"Can't understand you!" the teen raised one finger into the air. "And now," she declared importantly, "I shall poke you on the head!"

And she did.

And all Bob could do was blink. He was confused. Why was this strange American girl poking him repeatedly on the head? Was there something on his head?

Suddenly, another girl with brown hair ran up to them, slightly breathless. (As you all probably know, this is Holly.)

"There you are," Holly gasped, hunched over as she tried to regain her breath.

"Hi, Holleh!" Laura shouted cheerfully, right into poor Bob's ear. Bob winced unhappily.

Holly looked up and noticed Bob.

"Hi Laurah. Who's this?" she asked, her breath gradually returning. Laura shrugged.

"I dunno. But I like him! Let's keep him! Can we keep him please?"

Holly blinked. "We can't keep a human being as a pet, Laura." The younger girl blinked intelligently.

"We can't? Well, that's not right! My cousin Josh kept me as a pet for three weeks when I was ten! No one told him it wasn't allowed then!"

Holly sighed and shook her head. "Well, you can't. So why don't we just walk back to the compound now?"

Laura stuck out her lip and whimpered. "But I've already named him!" she wailed.

"Laura, I'm sure he already has a name," Holly explained patiently. "Here, I'll show you." She turned to the man.

"What's your name?" she asked slowly, knowing that the poor man couldn't understand English very well.

"Bob," he replied after taking a moment or two to figure out what she said. Holly blinked.

"Well, that's different," she mused. "Never thought I'd meet a Korean named Bob…"

"CHICKENS!"

Bob and Holly's heads snapped in the direction to where the chicken coop-thing was. Laura was standing beside the coop, her arms full of chickens.

The 15-year-old noticed her friend was staring. She beamed happily.

"I love chickens, Holleh!" she shouted. Holly laughed.

"Blaha bleh blooh bloh bleeh!" wailed Bob, racing over and yanking all of the chickens out of the young girls arms. He was becoming distressed. Who were these strange girls? **WHAT** were they doing on his farm?

"Chicken hogger!" Laura shouted, sticking her tongue out childishly. Bob opened his mouth to say something back, but Laura was already on the go, sprinting towards the pigpen, where a bunch of pigs were lounging around in the thick, slimy mud, blinking intelligently and chewing on things in their mouths slowly.

"PIGGIES!" the girl squealed happily, joining the swine in their mud soak.

_SPLAT!_

Laura and the pigs soon found themselves completely covered in mud. The pigs, who were not startled in the least, continued to soak and chew listlessly. Laura, however, was beside herself with happiness.

"I'm siiiiiiiiinging in the muuuuuuuuuuuuuud… Just siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinging in the muuuuuuuuuuuud…" she crooned happily as she performed the backstroke in the mud.

Holly watched her for a moment, then decided that this looked like fun, and soon joined her.

_SPLAT!_

Holly was now also sporting the 'muddy' look.

"Hello, Mr. Pig," she greeted the pig beside her cheerfully. Mr. Pig blinked up at her intelligently, continuing to chew slowly.

Bob ran to the pen, shouting all sorts of things in Korean. When he finally reached the pin he found the two girls in the middle of making mud-angels.

"Blah bloh bleeh blah bleeh!" Bob shouted unhappily. Holly waved to him cheerfully.

"Hi Bob! Come on in, the mud's great!"

"Blaha bloh bleeh bleeh!" wailed Bob.

Then Bob's wife Sue came out of the house to see what the commotion was about.

"Blah bleeh bloho blah bleh bleeh?" she asked, gesturing to the two girls in confusion.

"Blah bleh! Blah bloh bleeh bleeh! Blah bleeh bloh bleeh blah! Bloh!" shouted Bob unhappily, waving his arms in the air to express his point.

Meanwhile, Holly and Laura were having themselves a grand old time.

In fact, they were having such a good time, they began to sing. This is their song:

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh…  
Chicken go cluck-cluck,  
Cow go moo!  
Piggy go oink-oink,  
How 'bout you?  
Love to be an animal,  
Just like you!"

As they sang, they rolled around in the mud. The pigs continued to ignore them, as they were off in their own little worlds… In a place where they were not made into bacon, or into sausage, or patties, or any other horrors like that.

Then Inga, Bob's widowed and bad-tempered mother, stormed out. She was in a very bad mood. Some horribly off-key singing had woken her up from her morning nap! Now she would be late for her mid-afternoon nap! And that would make her late for her late afternoon nap, too!

And Inga **KNEW** that the singing was coming from Bob. Bob was a horrible singer. Everyone knew Bob was a horrible singer. Only Bob could be singing something so horrible as that which had woken her from her nap! (If you understood a word I just typed, then go off and congratulate yourselves, because it means you've got a brain!)

"BOB!" the angry little old Korean lady roared. "Blah bloh bleeh bleeh blah! Blah bleeh blah bloh, blah bleehee blah bleeh bleh bleeh!"

"Blah bleeh blah!" Bob wailed back miserably.

Furious, Inga brought her All-Powerful-and-Mighty-Stick/Cane-of-**DOOM** over her head, then brought it down upon her ungrateful son's noggin.

_SMACK! CRACK! WHACK!_

"AIIEE!" squealed Bob.

Holly and Laura continued to sing, though it was a different song. It went like this:

"Ooooooooooooohhh—  
Taco Bell, Taco Bell!  
Product placement  
With Taco Bell!  
Enchirito macho burrito!"

At that moment, the last two members of Bob's family rushed out. They were Hansel and Gretel, Bob's two lovely children.

"Blah bloh bleeh? Blah bloh bleeh blah bleh bleeh?" asked Gretel curiously.

"Blah bleeeeeh!" squealed Bob as his mother wacked him furiously over the head with her All-Powerful-and-Mighty-Stick/Cane-of-**DOOM**.

"Blah bloh bleh?" Hansel asked, tilting his head intelligently.

"Blah bleh! Blah bloh bleeh! Blah bleh bleeh bloh blah!" snapped Sue, gesturing wildly to the two singing girls, who had moved on to a different song.

"…And IIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIII!  
Will al-ways…  
Love YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU!  
WILL AL-WAYS…  
LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU!"

The family winced at the two girls' horribly off-key voices.

"Bleh bloh?" Bob whimpered to his wife. Sue shrugged.

"Blah bleh bleeh. Blaha bloho blah bleh," she replied.

Meanwhile, the two girls were getting bored with rolling around in the mud.

"I guess it's time to go home," Laura said, sounding very disappointed. Holly nodded, and the two girls stood reluctantly, mud dripping from their bodies. The family took no notice of the two, continuing instead to argue amongst themselves.

Laura scratched her head, looking very intelligent indeed.

"I don't want to go back home on foot," she announced finally. Holly thought about this for awhile then nodded.

"I agree. All that soaking and singing in the mud wore me out. But how do we get back?"

Laura pointed over to the cow tied to the tree.

Holly blinked. "We ride the cow?"

Laura nodded, a wide smile on her face. "Yup! We're ridin' the cow on home!"

Unfortunately, they failed to discuss this agreement with the cow and Bob…

* * *

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shouted Laura happily as she and Holly raced by Bob and his family on the back of the cow named Steve. 

Bob stared after them, blinking intelligently till it dawned on them that those two crazy girls were going away on **HIS** cow!

Thus did Bob say his first English sentence in this story…

"HEY! YOU CAN'T STEAL MY COW!"

Laura and Holly whipped their heads around to stare at Bob. They were both grinning widely.

"BOB! YOU SPEAK ENGLISH! YOU ARE NOW A SPECIAL PERSON!" Holly shouted as the Korean man disappeared from view, waving her hands excitedly. Unfortunately, in doing so, she let go of Laura's waist, which had been keeping her from flying off. Now she went flying off.

"WHA!" screamed the teen as she flew off the cow's back. However, she did not land on the ground, because at the last minute she made a very successful grab onto the cow's tail, which she was now clinging to desperately as she flew behind the cow like a banner.

"You okay back there?" Laura called to her.

"HELP!" shouted Holly.

"Glad to hear it!" Laura said happily before turning back around to face the front.

And so, the two girls and Steve the Cow disappeared into the sunset, heading for the 4077th which would soon become a second home to them…

* * *

"What in the world…?" 

That was all Henry could say as he stared at Steve the Cow. He had been sitting at his desk, doing some paperwork quietly and minding his own business, when Holly and Laura waltzed in (in a matter of speaking) on the back of a huge, black and white cow. Both were completely covered in mud, and were looking considerably windblown, with twigs and leaves and pieces of hay sticking out of their hair and on their clothes.

"Hi, Henry!" chirped Holly, who looked a lot worse than Laura.

"What the hell is this?" Henry asked, his voice high with stress.

"This is Steve. He's from Florida!" Laura said in a bragging tone.

Henry rolled his eyes. "No he's not! He's from the farm up the road!"

The two girls pouted.

"You know Henry," Holly said, her eyes narrowed. "That is so like you. You always suck the fun out of everything!"

Henry gasped, outraged, forgetting the fact that he had only known these girls for a few hours so there was no reason they would say something like that.

"I do not suck the fun out of everything!" he protested.

"Fun-sucker!" Laura shouted. Then she saw her beloved Sporky.

"SPORKY!" she squealed, jumping off of Steve and snatching up the plastic utensil. She hugged it tightly.

_Snick._

Sporky's Pointy-End-of-**DOOM** was chipped off once more.

"SPORKY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Laura unhappily as Holly jumped off of Steve and scooped down quickly, snatching up the tip.

Henry was fed up. "OUT!" he roared, picking up his Pointy-Pointer-of-**DOOM** and waving it in the air threateningly. The two girls squeaked and raced out, dragging Steve behind them.

Henry dropped his Pointy-Pointer-of-**DOOM** and sighed. He needed a drink… Maybe a nurse… Yes, a nurse would be nice…

* * *

**  
Kitty: All right, that's it. **

**Koosh: Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Kitty: As we said before, this isn't the original chapter since the other was incinerated. -sob sob- And it isn't as good as the original... But I think it's pretty decent. **

**Koosh: We would also like to apologize to anyone who had taken offense in the whole 'blah-Korean' language thing. We mean no offense. We just did not know how to speak Korean, and were to lazy to go and look it up off the Internet. We would also like to point out that we have several Korean friends who read this and found it very funny. We have their permission to do this. Again, we're sorry, and we mean no offense. It's purely for entertainment.**

**Whisky: Now that that's out of the way... READ AND REVIEW!**

**Kyle: ...Or else.**

**Zing: BUBBLES HAHAHAHAHAHA BUBBLES WHEEE! LOVE BUBBLES, HAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Whisky and Kyle: ...Idiot.**


	4. The Uniforms

**Kyle: Neither Kitty or Koosh could make it today, so us muses will be introducing this chapter. For once, the intro will be calm, organised…**

**Zing: -in background- Bubbles! Hehe, yay! Bubbles!**

**Kyle: …sane…**

**Whisky: -in background- Shaddap, you moron.**

**Kyle: …sensible…**

**Zing: BUBBLES! MORE BUBBLES! HAHAHAHAHA!**

**Kyle: …normal…**

**Whisky: I said shut up, Zing.**

**Kyle: …and without incident.**

**Zing: _WHEEEEEE!_**

**Whisky: -flares up for a moment, burning page- DAMNIT ZING! BE QUIET!**

**Kyle and Zing: -scared- …**

**Whisky: Just read the damn fic, ok?

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: **

**Koosh does not own MASH. If she did, there would be many great parties at her place to celebrate her owning MASH. Kitty does not own MASH either. If she did, she'd share the rights with Koosh. Or at least invite her over to her celebration parties.**

* * *

**Quote of the Day:**

**Klinger:** Halt! Who goes there?  
**General: **That man's _naked!  
_**Hawkeye: **Aw, c'mon Klinger, put on a dress or something!  
**Trapper:** At least a slip!

* * *

**Give a Reason **

**Chapter 4: The Uniforms  
**

* * *

**  
Author 1 & 2: Kitty and Koosh**

Hawkeye looked up from his nudist magazine as the Swamp door banged shut, and his jaw dropped. Holly and Laura stood in front of Hawk and Trapper, both covered in drying mud and an insane grin on each of their faces.

"Lauren and Hannah, wasn't it?" he asked after a moment, the slight shock sending his memory into a slight lapse. Trapper looked up, and also seemed momentarily surprised.

"Laura and Holly," Laura corrected him.

"We haven't seen either of you since you found Spunky, that plastic thing," Trapper said.

"You mean Sporky?" Holly suggested. Trapper just shrugged. "We went for a little walk, that's all," Holly said.

"Hey, do you guys know Bob?" Laura said excitedly.

"Bob? Who's Bob?" Hawkeye asked.

"Korean farmer, lives down the road," Trapper explained.

"We took his cow," Holly said. "One of you is gonna have to return Steve and apologise for us. I don't think Bob will let us go near him again. And with good reason."

"Steve?" Hawkeye asked, putting the magazine down. This was much more interesting than nude volleyball. "Who is Steve?"

"That's the name of Bob's cow," Laura chirped, not seemingly at all bothered that they had taken Steve.

"Ok, I think we're going to have to hear this from the beginning," Hawkeye said finally. Laura and Holly both sat on Frank's cot, dried bits of mud falling from their clothes and covering his pillow. Laura then went on to describe their day to Hawkeye and Trapper, Holly adding bits the younger teen missed out.

"Bob isn't going to be happy," Trapper scolded when Laura had finished.

"Yeah like you would have walked," Laura said.

"You're kids. What you two are doing in Korea?" Hawkeye asked, not ready to discuss the girl's recent adventure.

"What do you think we're doing here? There's a war on!" Laura exclaimed. Holly grinned at the two surgeons.

"Me, I'm sight-seeing," she said. Hawkeye and Trapper grinned back, but not so readily as the two girls did.

"Crazy?" Trapper muttered to his tent mate.

"Maybe," Hawkeye mumbled back.

"We're right here, you know," Holly said loudly. Both surgeons glanced up at them in surprise.

"Yeah, we knew that," Trapper replied.

"You guys stink," Hawkeye said, wrinkling up his nose.

"Well, we did roll around in mud with a pig then ride a cow back to camp," Laura said.

"I think we both need a shower," Holly said, agreeing with Hawkeye.

"A shower?" Laura groaned. "I don't wanna." The younger girl pouted. Holly rolled her eyes.

"You have no choice," she replied. "We'll nick some clothes from supply, and head over to the showers now. If I remember rightly, no one is meant to be in there for another…" Holly glanced at her wristwatch, "…four hours. Plenty of time."

"Awww," Laura said, standing up. Both girls looked down at Frank's cot, turned to each other and grinned. Hawkeye and Trapper just watched them as they jumped on Ferret Face's cot with their muddy shoes, driving as much dried mud as they could into the material. Finally, as the coup de grace, Laura took the helmet with water on the stove, empting it over his pillow. Both Captains were laughing quietly at the thought of Frank's face when he came in to find his cot the way it was as the girls headed for the supply tent to find clothes.

* * *

Unfortunately, one of the many places that they had been thrown out of whilst being completely crazy and immature was the supply room. Oh, it wasn't mentioned last chapter, but they had been kicked out of there all right, after trying to make a mummy out of Zale, the supplies officer, with bandages. The moment he saw their faces poking around the supply room door, he politely let them know that they weren't welcome. 

"Get away you little brats!" he yelled, picking up an army boot and throwing it at them. Holly pulled back quickly, but Laura decided pulling faces at the supply sergeant was more fun. A second and a third boot hit the wall beside the door, narrowly missing Laura, before Holly dragged her friend out of the way of the flying army boots.

"Those things hurt if they hit you!" she told Laura. "Trust me, I know." Frank had thrown his boot at her originally when he first saw her and accused her of taking his mother.

"He couldn't hit the wide side of a Buick if his eyeballs were pressed against its door," Laura scoffed, shrugging out of Holly's grasp. She ducked back into the supply room to grab the three boots lying on the ground. A fourth flew through the door and only just missed Holly.

"Come on," Holly said, pulling Laura out a second time.

"So now we have a pair of boots each," Laura said as they stood in the middle of the compound. "Now what?"

"Should we ask the nurses for clothes?" Holly suggested.

"Nah, they don't like us no more," Laura said. "They wouldn't want to give us anything. How about we 'borrow' something instead?"

"I'm sure they wouldn't mind us permanently borrowing something," Holly replied with a grin. "Come on, we'll go 'borrow' something now, before anyone sees us and decides to throw more boots at us." The two began to sneak towards the nurses tents, Laura loudly humming the tune to 'Mission Impossible'. Holly joined in after a moment. After all, it was a catchy tune. Somehow, it turned to the 'James Bond' theme tune, then 'Indiana Jones'. Finally, the girls were humming the theme to 'The Simpsons'. Getting sidetracked was a hobby of Laura's.

Finally remembering what they were meant to be doing, Laura went to sneak into the nurses' tent while Holly kept watch. Unfortunately, neither girl thought to check before hand that the tent was empty.

Laura was chased out of the nurses' tent by three of the nurses, each brandishing a hairbrush, boot or helmet being swung by its straps. Holly casually ducked around the tent and out of sight as Laura tried to dodge the swinging items. Once the nurses were happy they had scared Laura off enough, they returned to their tent.

"Now what?" Laura asked Holly once they had regrouped. Holly looked around, biting her lip. Then she smiled.

"Come with me," she said, walking briskly towards Margaret's tent.

"What are you doing?" Laura demanded as Holly knocked loudly. Even Laura wasn't _that_ crazy. When the knock went unanswered, Holly invited herself into the Major's tent.

"I saw Frank going into the supply tent, looking _very_ suspicious, if you catch my meaning," Holly explained as Laura followed her.

"You could have just said," Laura said, sounding annoyed at her friend, yet in awe at being in Major Margaret Houlihan's tent. "We've got to redecorate for her while we're here," Laura said, looking around as Holly shuffled through Hotlips' footlocker. "That paint in your bag will do the job nicely, I think."

"Well, that paint was meant to be for a school assignment," Holly said, standing up with an armful of clothes. "But I suppose that sounds like more fun. Come on, let's go, and we'll come back later with the paint." The two ducked out of Margaret's tent again, and made a beeline for the showers.

Since making her first guess at when the showers would be empty and when they would be in use, Holly wasn't so sure they'd have an entire four hours to themselves to shower. She knew her math skills weren't the best in the world, even though she'd gone over it several times in her head. So, in her infinite wisdom (roll of eyes), she suggested each girl stood watch while the other showered, just in case.

It might have been a great idea too, if Laura, (now dressed in her nice new, clean uniform) guarding the showers from the 4077 personnel, hadn't seen Steve the Cow ambling across the compound again with his owner, Bob. Now, that would have been fine too, if Laura had not taken off across the compound to say hi. It still would have been ok if Holly had REMEMBERED that when she'd come to Korea, it had been the middle of the night in Australia, and mid morning when she had arrived, meaning her predictions of four hours shower time were incorrect. Of course, she hadn't, so that's when things started going… let's say uncomfortable, for one of the two girls.

Henry hadn't had the drink he had wanted after chasing Holly and Laura out of his office. Or the nurse. Instead, after sulking for an hour or so, muttering things like "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve having two crazy kids being dumped in my camp?" and "If they leave, I'll never complain about Pierce and McIntyre again", Henry decided he'd go have a shower. After all, a shower meant to be relaxing, isn't it? So, he went to his tent, changed into his bathrobe, grabbed his towel and made his way across the compound. Passing the Swamp, he got called in by Hawkeye and Trapper, who wanted to discuss Holly and Laura with the Lieutenant-Colonel. He stayed for a few drinks, relieved when the Captains offered to keep an eye on the two girls… for a small price of three days R and R when they wanted.

They cut across the compound to Klinger's tent, where Klinger is also getting ready to shower. He's got his pink bathrobe, his towel, his soap, even his rubber ducky. How you can use a rubber ducky in the shower, Klinger doesn't know, but if it helps him get the section eight, he'll have the ducky set in gold. As he leaves his tent, a snide comment is made about his earrings by Sargent Zale, who has always hated Klinger, or maybe is just jealous he didn't think of section eight before the Crazy Corporal. The insult results in a fight.

Margaret and Frank have moved their 'praying' or 'reading of army manual' or whatever they said they were doing today, only to find Margaret had been robbed. Yelling and screaming, Margaret vows to find whichever sick pervert stole her clothes.

"Yeah," Frank adds.

Radar is talking to Father Mulcahy as he heads towards the showers, where he is meant to be fixing the hole in the canvas. Father Mulcahy, being the kind, considerate priest he is, has offered to help. However, they stop when they find Klinger and Zale belting the snot out of each other just outside the mess tent. While Father Mulcahy tries to break up the fight, Radar offers to take bets.

In the showers, Holly looks down at her clothes that she 'borrowed' from Margaret's tent. The undershirt is too short and the pants too long.

"Damn," says Holly. "Laura, are you out there?" No reply from the younger girl. Probably because she is trying to borrow money off Bob so she can put a bet on the big Klinger/Zale fight. "At least the boots and khaki shirt fits," Holly muttered, tucking the pant legs into her new boots and buttoning the over shirt. She then leaves the showers, slightly annoyed with her American friend for abandoning her. As Holly goes looking for Laura, Henry arrives at the showers and stumbles in, slightly tipsy and a lot less stressed than he was before.

Raise your hand if you thought Holly was gonna be caught in the showers naked. Come on, be honest, you know who you are. Ok, those readers have dirty minds. When I said it was going to get 'uncomfortable', I was being literal. Have you ever worn a shirt that is too short? Or pants you have to tuck into your shoes? Trust me, it's not fun.

Anyway, Holly found Laura with the sobbing Bob (his 'Blahs' may have translated into something along the lines of "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve having two crazy kids being dumped in my country?" and "If they leave, I'll never complain about Hansel and Gretel again").

"I thought you were guarding the showers for me?" Holly asked.

"I met an old friend," Laura grinned as Bob sniffed once or twice. Holly gave Bob the peace sign. "So now we have uniforms, what do we do?" Laura asked. Holly shrugged.

"Well, we're in the MASH TV show surrounded by favourite characters," Holly said slowly. "What would a fanfic character do in our position?" The two girls thought seriously for a few minutes.

"JOIN THE ARMY!" they shouted in unison gleefully before running off to the big fight to find Radar and find out what loopholes there were for them to join.

* * *

**Kitty: Well, we're here now! Better late than never! START THE FIC!**

**Koosh: Uh, I think they already read the fic…**

**Kitty: (Pauses) Damn muses! They're trying to taking over!**

**Koosh: Don't forget to review guys, cos even we need reviews. Also, I'd like to point out that this chapter is so late because of ME and only ME. Blame the school, and Whisky who didn't prompt me to write this enough.**

**Whisky: Yeah, sure, blame the fire salamander.**

**Zing: BUBBLES! HAHAHAHAHA!**


	5. The Madness

**Kitty: Koosh and I are very sorry for the extremely late update. Things were just sort of getting in our way...**

**Koosh: School and stuff, you know. But anyway, here we are with the fifth chapter!**

**Kitty: -sighs dreamily- It seems like only yesterday we first started this fic... And now look at it. **

**Kyle: Please save me.**

**Whisky: -elbows him in the ribs- Please save _us._**

**Kyle: Er, right. That's what I meant. Please get us away from these two--**

**Zing: BUBBLES HAHAHA BUBBLES WHEEHEEHEE!**

**Kyle: --three psychos! We're begging you!**

**Whisky: And if you don't, I'll burn the arse off ya!**

**Kitty: -smothers them with a huge pillow- WHATEVER, you two!**

**Koosh: On with the fic!

* * *

**

**Disclaimer:**

**Kitty: -whines- Do we HAVE to keep doing this?**

**Lawyers of Evilness and Gloom: ...Yes.**

**Koosh: -sighs- Oh fine... Kitty and I do not own MASH.**

**Kitty: If we did, we'd be ridiculously rich right now... SO BUZZ OFF!

* * *

**

**Quote of the Day:**

**Radar:** These are the forms to get the forms to order more forms, sir.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Kitty: Okay… so I looked back over the previous chapters, and I've decided that I think maybe I should tone down the insanity a bit and put in a little more sanity. I want this fic to sort of mean something, you know? So yeah… There will be some sanity in this chapter, and more in chapters to come. But have no fear, for there will still be plenty of sugar-induced hyperness! Enjoy!

* * *

**

**Give A Reason**

**Chapter 5: The Madness**

"So you're sayin' all we gotta do is fake almost everything we fill out on these forms, including our background information, and we'll be registered into the army?" asked Holly as she peered down at the forms Radar had given her. Laura also studied the forms, her nose scrunched up in concentration.

"That's right's right," Radar stuttered nervously. Poor Radar. He was so nervous. These strange girls scared him. They were too… energetic. He just couldn't figure them out.

"Sounds like fun!" Laura said cheerfully, plucking a pen from Radar's desk. "Let's get to it then!"

Holly nodded, with a mischievous smile on her face, grabbing a pen of her own. The two girls promptly plopped down on the floor and began to fill out the forms with a gusto. Laura rattled off statements and questions on hers, answering them enthusiastically.

"Mother: alive… Father: partially alive—I suspect that stick rammed up his rear exit will cause him to have a stroke any day now… Paternal grandfather: dead… Paternal grandmother: state champion poker player, thank you very much. Oh wait… wrong grandmother…"

Radar, meanwhile, slowly made his way to the door, trying to be as silent as possible, so as not to attract the attention of the two girls. Oblivious to her surroundings, Laura continued to rattle on.

"Occupation: second-in-command to the future ruler of the world, Sporky, King of the Sporks… Age:…eh, I'll say sixty—yeah, that sounds good, that's a nice ripe age…"

Holly laughed, and Radar quickened his pace a bit. Laura continued.

"Hair: purple! No, better yet, NEON purple! Eye: magenta. I like that word… It just sort of rolls off the tongue…"

Fortunately for him, Radar managed to slip out of the tent unnoticed, as the two girls were too preoccupied with their forms to pay him any attention. In fact, they were so absorbed in their forms, that they spent the rest of the day inside that tent, working on their forms… Eh, go figure…

* * *

Moonlight beamed down upon the compound, while the stars twinkled brightly in the sky. The wind was blowing gently. The crickets chirped quietly. All was peaceful… 

That is, until Laura bounded down the road, in the strangest get-up anyone had ever seen. She was dressed in various things she had "borrowed" from around the compound; rubber gloves, a surgical mask, an army helmet, a blanket tied around her neck like a cape, Henry's waders, and the utility belt that belonged to the visiting technician. Laura had equipped this belt with Igor's spatula, a case of dental floss, some hair spray, and (of course) two plastic sporks (neither were Sporky, he was still recovering from the tramatic event of yesterday). Around her head she wore a garter belt.

"I am the great and powerful Sporkwoman!" she shouted. "Protector of the insane! I bound from tent-to-tent, saving the mentally unstable from the clutches of the sane! I created chaos, panic, and disorder wherever I go! My word is law, for I rule this compound!"

A few feet away, wearing his finest evening gown with matching gloves, Klinger stared. He blinked, then stared some more. Then his eyes narrowed.

"Hey… Is that my garter belt? Are you wearing my garter belt on your head?" he demanded to know.

"Silence, mortal!" Laura thundered, yanking one of her "weapons" from her belt. "Or I shall smite you with my…" She pointed the weapon at him, her finger poised to fire it, "…hairspray!"

"Give me back my garter belt!" Klinger shouted angrily.

"Silence, you knave!" Laura ordered. "And I shall consider letting you pass!"

A shadow to the right of them moved. "Just give him back his garter belt, Laura," the shadow said. Klinger's eyes narrowed even more, if possible.

"I know that voice," he said. Holly hurriedly stepped behind Laura who was still brandishing the hairspray. She had taken a more subtle costume to Laura, picking dark clothes to blend into the darkness while Laura redecorated Major Houlihan's tent and she kept watch.

"Look, I'm sorry," Holly said. Klinger obviously hadn't forgotten the nasty way she had treated him earlier that morning when she had found him in her room. "I was having a bad day, but that was no excuse to take it out on you." She made a face that she thought made her look innocent and upset. In reality, she was just pouting sulkily.

Laura, growing bored, suddenly bounded off towards Margaret's tent again. Holly followed quickly, rather than face the angry cross-dresser. However, Klinger followed them.

"He's following us," Holly hissed at Laura.

"Is that a problem?" Laura wanted to know. She stopped in front of Margaret's tent and knocked sharply on the door.

No one answered. Laura knocked again and waited. When no one answered, she announced cheerfully, "Prepare yourself! I'm coming in!" and waltzed right in.

Indeed, it appeared that Margaret was somewhere else. Laura then proceeded to bounce around the room idiotically, crashing into random objects for no apparent reason. Holly stood in the doorway, grinning. The older girl then pulled out the cans of paint spray that had been kept in her back pack. She whistled to the bouncing nut, who stopped and looked around.

A wide, eerie smile spread across Laura's face!

"B-E-A-utifiul," she breathed.

"Isn't it?" asked Holly before tossing a can to the younger girl. The two girls shook their respective cans enthusiastically, and started towards the walls menacingly, their wide, creepy smiles never falling from their faces.

* * *

The two girls then spent the next half hour spray painting the entire tent. They had a grand old time, spraying various sentences and pictures that popped into their heads. Eventually, however, fatigue over took them, so they both staggered off drowsily to find a place to sleep. Soon after that, Margaret emerged from the supply tent, her clothes wrinkled and her hair a mess. She began to walk briskly back to her tent, (for the record, when she was about half way to the tent, Ferret Face exited the supply tent and began to go back to the Swamp; you do the math) looking all business. 

Once she reached her tent, she yawned and opened the door, vaguely noticing that the lights were on as she closed the door behind her. About five seconds later, she screamed.

Oh boy, did she scream. She screamed so loud that the sleeping birds flew out of the trees, that the crickets hopped away as fast as she could, and Private Johnson (the man on duty) was jolted from his sleep on the other side of the compound.

People from the nearby tents ran out and made their way quickly to Hot Lips's tent, shouting questions to each other among the confusion.

"Make way, make way!" shouted Henry as he shouldered his way through the crowd, looking quite rumpled and irritated, as he and Leslie had been interrupted from one of their 'sessions'. He pushed open the door and strode inside, Radar, Hawkeye, and Trapper at his heels.

There's no doubt that Henry would never forget the sight that greeted his eyes that night as he stared at the various paintings on Margaret Houlihan's tent walls. All sorts of things were sprayed on them; things like "Bunnies shall rule" "Sporkwoman wuz here" "I like pie" "All hail Sporks" "Ferret Face wuz here, too, in the bed" and a picture of a cute widdle bunny with big eyes that had a speech bubble saying "I see yoooooooooou..."

Henry's left eye began to twitch violently. He was quite aware of Radar, Trapper, and Hawkeye's hysterical laughter, as well as Hot Lips screeching for them to shut up and to get out and find whoever did this to her tent. But Henry didn't need to find out. Oh, no. He already knew who spray painted the Major's tent… And their names were Laura and Holly…

* * *

Henry gave the orders for people to search for the two girls, as they were not present at the scene of the crime. They were eventually found the following morning in the nurses showers, playing their 50th game of BS. They were then dragged back to Henry's office, where they were promptly given a severe lecture by the infuriated colonel. 

"What the hell were you guys thinking?" he bellowed. "Do you realize how serious this is?"

Holly blinked. "It's serious?" she asked in surprised. "That's news to me…"

If possible, Henry's face turned even redder. "What the heck am I supposed to do with you two?" he hissed. "Houlihan's gonna expect me to have you court martialed, but I can't do that because you're notpart of the army! And I can't very well throw out two kids into the middle of the war, now can I?"

At this point, Laura opened her mouth to inform the angered man that they were part of the army, but Holly clapped her hand over her friend's mouth and smiled sweetly.

"It's a shame, isn't it Henry?" she asked in her best sugar-coated voice. "I guess you'll just have to give us extra chores, huh?"

"Yeah, chores!" piped in Laura as she shoved her friend's hand away. "Give us some chores, Dadoo! You must punish us for we have been bad! Want me to go get the whip?"

SMACK!

Laura and Holly stared at the stressed colonel, who had smacked his head against the desk's surface. He lay there now, completely still, apparently in too much pain to move. Finally, however, he sighed and picked himself up. He rubbed his eyes for a few seconds, before finally saying, "Just get the hell out of here. I'll call you when I've figured out what to do with you two…"

"Roger wilco!" the two nuts chirped as they skipped out, plans of more chaos, panic, and disorder already forming in their heads… God help us all…

* * *

**Kitty: And there you go. **

**Koosh: Like it? Hate it? Let us know so we'll… well, you know.**

**Whiskey: Cleverly put. -Sarcasm-**

**Kyle: Genius's, aren't they? -More sarcasm-**

**Kitty: -pleased- Why, yes actually, yes we are. Thank you very much. **

**Zing: BUBBLES! BUBBLES HAHAHAHAHAHA! BUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBLEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!**


	6. The Mayhem

**-Screen goes blank-**

**Invisible Kyle: -Creepy voice- Do not attempt to fix your computer screen. **

**Invisible Whisky: -Creepy voice- This is a parody of the Simpsons Halloween special where they did a parody of that movie. You know the one.**

**Invisible Zing: No, what movie? …Where are my bubbles?**

**-Screen reappears-**

**Whisky: Damnit, you promised me he wouldn't stuff the intro up, Kyle!  
**

**Kyle: You were the one who was meant to keep an eye on him!**

**Zing: BUBBLES! My bubbles are back! WHEE!**

**-Guy with a sign saying "Just read the fic" walks past-

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**

**Disclaimer**

**Koosh: Nope, we don't own MASH… yet.**

**Kitty: The Sporks promised us the rights if we helped them take over the world.

* * *

Quote of the week**

**Henry:** Look at me, sick in Korea. Boy, if I was back home in Bloomington, Illinois, my wife would be taking care of me. She'd be leaning over my bed with her hair in curlers and cold cream on her face and those chipped fingernails, kids playing ball up against the side of the house, my dog at the foot of the bed having an accident... boy, am I glad I'm here!

* * *

**Give A Reason**

**Chapter 6: The Mayhem**

So Holly and Laura had almost caused Henry to have a mental breakdown. No biggie, Hawkeye and Trapper had often sent the CO slightly nuts. Like the time they sent the geisha girl to Frank and Margaret's room when they were on R and R together, making the two Majors come home screaming for blood. Or when they stole all the trays and bedpans from the mess tent and post op (respectfully, and thankfully all cleaned out) and super glued them to the ceiling of Henry's office. And Henry had got over those mishaps… eventually.

Anyway, Holly thought while scrubbing the smirking bunny off the wall, it wasn't like they had done anything _dangerous_, was it?

"Get all the paint off," Margaret said from the door. She sounded smug that the two teens were being punished.

"But we put so much effort into this," Laura whined from the opposite wall to Holly, trying to remove the word "Spork" from the wall.

"You're lucky you're not in the army," Margaret said. "You'd be in the stockade by now."

Laura pouted. "Actually, Major--"

"We are lucky," Holly agreed loudly before Laura could say anything else. Second lucky save. "We're also lucky to have an inspiration such as yourself to aspire to when we grow up." She hadn't realised such filthy lies could roll off her tongue without sending her teeth black. She'd have to check a mirror when she got back to the Swamp.

However, the flattery worked. Margaret looked impressed, and walked off, letting the tent door slam.

"I hate myself for saying that," Holly said, dipping her brush into the metal bucket of cold soapy water.

"I hate you for saying that, too," Laura replied. "And I don't like manual labour."

"Neither do I," Holly muttered, standing up and trying to crack the pain out of her back. "Let's head back to the future until the heat is off. Or at least until someone else has scrubbed the paint away."

"Good idea," Laura said, beaming. Her face fell a moment. "I don't know how I got here," she said.

"S'ok," Holly said. "You can come home with me." Laura grinned again.

"Cool, I get to travel to Australia without having to worry about jet lag," she said cheerfully.

Very carefully, Holly opened the door of Margaret's tent. Laura stuck her head under the older teen's arm and the two looked around cautiously. There didn't appear to be many people in the compound, but that didn't mean they had to be any less careful.

"Now, I say we stick behind the tents and make our way slowly around the compound…" Holly was saying. They she noticed Laura was no longer in the tent beside her, but cart wheeling in the compound.

"Flintstones, meet the Flintstones…" she was singing loudly. Holly ran out and started pulling Laura behind one of the tents before someone came out to see what all the noise was about.

"Uh, not the most subtle way to cross the compound," Holly pointed out to Laura. The bubbly brunet shrugged happily. "We need to get to Klinger's tent," Holly said. Laura looked confused.

"Why?" she demanded. "You're not gonna steal something from there then sell it on eBay, are you?"

"Hey…" Holly said thoughtfully. The she shook her head to get the idea out of her head. "No, I got here through his closet," she explained. Laura's face lit up with understanding.

"Lead the way," she said. "I wanna travel around in a kangaroo's pouch!"

As they walked, Holly tried explaining that it wasn't physically possible to get into a 'roo pouch, unless one wanted to have the stuffing kicked out of them, but Laura didn't seem to care. Holly gave up when they reached Klinger's tent. Want to know how they could tell it was Klinger's? His was the only one with pink fuzzy slippered pegged to the support ropes outside.

"Maybe he tried swimming home?" Holly suggested to Laura with a raised eyebrow before pushing through into the tent.

Laura took a look around the tent as Holly went to the closet in the corner.

"Y'know," she said thoughtfully, "This is what my grandma's room would look like if she lived in a tent. Or what my mountain climbing second cousin's tent would look like if he were a cross dresser."

"A little help?" Holly asked, halfway in the closet and trying to push the back out so she could get back to her own room. She'd almost forgotten the fight she'd had with her mother before she found the 4077th and was looking forward to sleeping on an actual mattress…

_Thunk._

_Rip._

The back of the closet fell out, and Holly hit the ground. When she looked up, all that greeted her was ripped green canvas and rolling Korean hills. Laura looked through the back of the closet.

"Australia looks a heck of a lot like Korea," she commented.

"You're kidding me," Holly muttered. Laura glanced down at her older friend, who was still lying on the ground.

"No, it does," Laura insisted. "Look, those could be the hills that you see in the starting credits."

"No, that _is_ Korea," Holly said. "The rip in time and space, or whatever it was, is gone. I'm stuck here."

Dun, dun, DUUUUNNN!

* * *

The two girls sat outside Klinger's tent for an hour, pondering what to do. Eventually, however, they decided to give up and to worry about it later. This depressed Holly very much, but she knew there was nothing more she could do. So, with a heavy sigh, the older girl decided to go to the Swamp for some sleep. She bid the younger girl goodbye and wandered off, leaving Laura all by herself.

Laura sat there silently for a bit, watching the ants crawl around in the dirt. She felt her hyperness steadily fade away for the first time in two days. This usually happened once a day, but since she had found herself in her favourite TV show with her pen pal… Well, her energy size had doubled a bit.

And now, possibly for the rest of the day, or possibly the rest of the week, she would be… normal… Well, at least about as normal as Laura could get.

She stood up, brushed her pants off, and proceeded to walk down the road, her hands jammed in her pockets. She finally decided to go to the mess tent, where most of the personnel were at, in the middle of committing suicide—er, I mean eating lunch.

She entered the tent, and immediately all eyes were drawn to her. They could tell something was different. She wasn't bouncing around, there was no creepy smile on her face, and she just seemed sort of drained.

Oblivious to the stares, Laura walked over to where the Swampmen, Frank, Hot Lips, Radar, Father Mulchahy, Klinger (who was wearing a very pretty blue dress that day), and Henry were sitting. She sat down beside Radar, who looked alarmed. She looked across the table at a very weary looking Henry and waved half-heartedly.

"Hi," she said dully. The officers and two corporals exchanged bewildered looks.

"Hello there," Father Mulchahy finally said, not having had the misfortune of meeting the two nuts before. "I'm Father Mulchahy."

"Laura," replied the teen. "Nice to meet ya," she added, resting her chin on the table. Frank narrowed his eyes suspiciously, his almost-nonexistent lip curling.

"Just what are you up to?" he demanded to know.

Laura stared up at him blankly. "Frank, your nostrils are flaring," she informed him.

"They have a right to flare, I'm a major," he snapped.

"Okey dokey," replied Laura dully. Then she added, "And I'm not doing anything bad… Just sitting here… Listening to you…"

"Don't you dare use that tone with me!" Frank snapped, spit flaying from his mouth. Laura wrinkled her nose up in disgust. The others watched silently.

"You're part of a commie organization, aren't you?" the Ferret continued, his voice becoming higher and higher with each word.

"Frank, you're depriving some village of it's idiot," Laura sighed, grabbing Radar's unused napkin to clean the spit off her face.

Frank's face turned several interesting shades of red. He was quite aware of the fact that the others were watching all of this with great amusement. Well, most of them anyway. Houlihan didn't find it very funny.

"You can't speak to him like that!" she shouted.

"Can if I want to," Laura shot back. "You two aren't the boss of me, thank you very much. My brain works just fine, I can make my own decisions."

The two majors sputtered angrily. If looks could kill, Laura would have been incinerated. Henry wisely decided to speak up so as to prevent any further arguments.

"Calm down, both of you!" he ordered, just as Frank opened his mouth to make a snide remark.

"I'm calm, Henry," the teen replied defensively. "I'm calm! Who needs to calm down? I don't need to calm down. You should be talking to Frank, he's the one who needs to calm down, not me." She said all of this very rapidly.

Henry sighed and raised his eyes up to the ceiling. Laura looked up there too, but she didn't see anything.

"You keep your mouth shut, you little brat!" ordered Frank.

"Oh, shut up Frank," Hawkeye muttered, rubbing his temples. "Your voice is starting to give me a headache."

"Same here," muttered Trapper as the two surgeons stood up to leave. Then he gestured over to Laura. "Come with us, kid."

Laura blinked, but stood up anyway.

"Thank goodness," sighed Hot Lips gratefully. "Finally we can get some fresher air in here."

This caused Hawkeye to make a very, very dirty retort, which we cannot put down as it is rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Plus, we'd have to up the rating to NC-17. Let's just say that it was bad enough to make Margaret scream and faint, and make the whole tent go quiet. Henry stood up and began shouting/scolding the three troublemakers, who walked out as if nothing was happening—well, Hawkeye and Trapper did anyway. Laura was laughing her head off as she followed them out.

* * *

Holly was no longer sulking in the Swamp when the other three arrived. Yes, she'd gone there originally for an attempt at sleep, but that was almost impossible in the Swamps currant condition (dirty socks, dirty martini glasses and dirty magazines, all scattered liberally throughout the tent). Laura didn't immediately notice her friend's absence, and the two Captains hadn't been aware she'd been in the Swamp to begin with.

"Hey, the Still," Laura said, perking up a little when she saw the contraption in the corner. Now, it wasn't that she and Holly hadn't seen the Still before, it was more that they had been… busy the last two days (the next occupant of the VIP tent would be very surprised by the King Spork painted onto the roof and the nurses were still trying to remove all the tiny pieces of white paper from their beds).

"I don't think so!" Trapper said, pouring clear liquid into two martini glasses.

"We don't serve minors," Hawkeye added. He took the glass offered to him from Trapper and took a swig.

"Awww," Laura moaned. "But there aren't drinking laws here in Korea."

"We promised Henry we'd look after you, and rupturing your liver doesn't count as looking after you," Trapper said stubbornly. Laura pouted sulkily. Hawkeye glanced over at his buddy.

"We could give her a sip," he said.

"No," Trapper said firmly. "I have my own little girls, and I'd kill anyone who dared give them a drink at… how old are you, Laura?"

"Fifteen," she replied sulkily.

"Right, at fifteen," Trapper continued. "What kind of person would I be, knowing I caved to a couple of kids I didn't know and let them drink?"

"Hey, where's the other one?" Hawkeye asked, glancing around. "Where's Holly?" Trapper looked around as well.

"She wouldn't have gone to visit Bob the farmer again, would she have?" he asked dryly. Laura shrugged.

"Don't look at me," she said. "She told me she was coming back here for a while." Hawkeye cast an eye over the tent.

"Well, she isn't here now, is she?" he asked.

"You don't think she's walked into the minefield or something, do you?" Trapper asked, somewhat worriedly.

"Don't worry, she knows where that is," Laura comforted him. Trapper raised a suspicious eyebrow at her, and was about to ask her _how_ the two girls knew where everything was, considering they'd only been there less than 48 hours, when the Swamp door banged open.

"Hi," Holly said glumly, sitting on the end of Hawkeye's cot. There was a nasty looking cut on her right ear that was bleeding, and her clothes looked scuffed.

"What the happened to you?" Hawkeye asked as Trapper went over to her. Holly shrugged, trying to wave Trapper away from her ear at the same time.

"I went for a walk," she said. "Had to do some thinking. A bird or something landed on a mine and it blew up. Nothing exciting." She tried shrugging like it was no big deal, though the truth was she'd been scared half to death by the explosion.

"You ear is bleeding pretty bad, but it doesn't look like it needs stitches, just a bandage," Trapper said finally. Holly lifted a hand to her ear, and looked faintly surprised at the blood.

"I was wondering why it was throbbing," she said. Trapper was about to open his mouth and give her a telling off, when there was a fit of coughing behind him. All three turned to see Laura with a martini glass in her hand, the gin sloshing over the sides of the glass as she coughed.

"What?" she asked guiltily as the coughs subsided, putting the glass down hurriedly. Trapper rolled his eyes before lecturing Laura as Holly and Hawkeye sniggered behind his back.

* * *

A few hours later, the two girls found themselves curled up on the two surgeons cots, sipping on their very own martinis. How did this happen, you ask? Quite simple, really; the two girls bugged the two surgeons so badly until they announced that they changed their minds and that the two girls could have their own martinis. Naturally, Laura and Holly were very happy about this. Don't ask me why, I'm just the narrator.

After the two girls recovered from the horrid taste of the martinis, they began to enjoy them. Actually, they became addicted, which was bad. Hawkeye and Trapper watched wearily as the authors began to giggle hysterically, their faces flushed.

"I think we've made a terrible mistake, Hawkeye," Trapper said to his best friend.

"I think you're right, Trap," the other agreed. The two surgeons exchanged helpless looks and shrugged, as if to say, 'What can ya do?' And so, they followed that time-old saying that many use again and again; "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

And before they knew it, all four of 'em were drunk. _Really _drunk. This made all four of them extremely chatty.

"Without question," Laura suddenly began, taking another sip from her martini, "the greatest invention of mankind is liquor. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

"Here here," said Holly, raising her glass briefly before taking another sip. Hawkeye and Trapper exchanged amused glances before giggling drunkenly.

"And you know what else?" asked Holly, studying her martini glass. "Liquor is also proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

"Can't argue with that," Hawkeye remarked, standing unsteadily to refill his glass.

At that moment, Frank walked in. He took one look at Laura and Holly sipping their martinis happily and Hawkeye and Trap's red faces, and began bristling in anger. He glowered at the two surgeons, his face darkening by the second.

"You two are a disgrace," he hissed. "Have you no honour? Can you not see that these two underage teenagers are drinking? Did you actually fix them martinis willingly?"

"Guilty as charged, Frank," replied Hawkeye cheerfully.

"I'm not underaged," Holly yelled excitedly. "I have I.D.!" She swiped at her bag a few times, fingertips brushing the side of it slightly. Frustrated, she leant over further, falling off the cot, laughing as she tried to sit up. Eventually, she gave up, and just lay there, only her legs visible to the others.

"You cretins!" the Ferret said in disgust. "You two should be put in front of a firing squad!"

"Aw, Frank, lay off, would ya?" sighed Trapper. "We aren't doing anything wrong… We're in Korea, not America, so technically there's no age limit."

"But this is an American MASH unit," Frank shot back smugly. "Therefore, underage drinking is against regulations."

"Since when does anyone in this compound—aside from you and Hot Lips that is—follow regulations?" asked Holly from her spot on the floor. Franks face darkened even more.

"Well, it—it's—it's wrong!" he sputtered.

"Aw, c'mon Frank, it's not like we're gonna go to hell for it," Hawkeye snapped irritably as he finished making his drink.

"And besides," Laura added, peering down into her empty martini glass thoughtfully. "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we're asleep, we commit no sins." She looked up at everyone and grinned, her face a lovely shade of rouge. "Sooooooo… let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

"We're already drunk!" Holly pointed out. Laura seemed to ponder this a moment before grinning.

"Oh, yeah," she giggled. "Looks like we're goin' to heaven then, guys!"

All four then erupted into a fit of drunken giggles. Frank, of course, did not find any of this funny in the least.

"Oh… you… guys!" he shouted angrily. "The colonel will hear about this!" And with that, he stormed out.

Hawkeye sighed in relief and said, "I thought he'd never leave."

**

* * *

Kitty: And there you have it. We hope that you enjoyed it.**

**Koosh: Yup! And next chapter, we'll have a special treat for all of you!**

**Kitty: Can't tell ya what it is, though—it's a secret! –cackles evilly-**

**Kyle: Oh god… we're DOOMED…**

**Whiskey: All of you readers… Just… review already, dammit! **

**Zing: BUBBLES BUBBLES BUBBLES BUBBLES… **


	7. The B and B Special

**Kitty: Hello, everyone! We're back with the seventh chapter.**

**Koosh: As promised, we have a very special treat for you!**

**Kitty: Yup yup! Why don't you tell the lovely reviewers what this treat is, Koosh?**

**Koosh: Oh, no no no. You should tell them Kitty!**

**Kitty: Please, I insist—you should do it.**

**Whiskey: -while the authors talk to each other- As you can see, Koosh and Kitty have officially lost it.**

**Kyle: -nods- Yup. I think it had something to do with those strange bubbles Zing was blowing earlier…**

**Zing: -sobbing- They took away my bubbles…**

**Whiskey: Yeah, the authors sorta went on a bubble popping frenzy… **

**Kitty: Really, Koosh, I insist—**

**Koosh: Nonsense! You should tell them!**

**Kyle: Oh, for crying out loud! _I'll _tell 'em! Ahem… This is chapter is a two-in-one special. In other words, this is two chapters in one, hence it being called 'The B&B Special.' **

**Whiskey: So go and read it already while Kyle and I try to slap some sense into those two idiots over there. **

**Zing: -screaming hysterically- THEY POPPED MY BUBBLES!**

**Kyle and Whiskey: Shut up Zing…

* * *

**

**Disclaimer: Koosh and Kitty do not own MASH. They do not own that BBQ episode from The Simpsons, and they do not own the people who created the rubber ducky. The only thing they own is the contents of their pockets, which mainly consists of a couple pieces of lint, some string, and (in Kitty's case) seventeen cents.

* * *

**

**Quote of the Day:**

_Klinger goes hang-gliding past in a housecoat and pink fuzzy slippers._

**Hawkeye:** (stops kissing nurse to look up) Did you see that?

**Nurse:** What?

**Hawkeye:** A big red bird with pink fuzzy feet.

_Nurse rolls her eyes._

_Trapper walks over with his nurse._

**Trapper:** Hawkeye, did you see that?

**Hawkeye:** What did you see?

**Trapper:** A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.

**Hawkeye:** (to his nurse) See?

* * *

**Give A Reason**

**Chapter 7: The B&B Special**

_Part One: The Bath_

Two weeks passed since the whole drinking episode, which ended up giving Laura and Holly their first hangover (ok, so Holly had been hung over before, but not like this). Since then, the two girls calmed down somewhat. By 'somewhat,' I mean not by much. What also happened in those two weeks was that Henry received a notice saying that he had acquired two new members for his unit—Privates Holly Harris, aged twenty-one (she was actually eighteen) and Laura Rutland, aged sixty (she was actually fifteen).

To put it very bluntly, Henry was quite pissed off. Not only, he shouted at the two miscreants, did they fill out army acceptance forms without his permission, but they also faked over half the information on said forms! Did they know how much trouble they were in?

The two authors answered that no, sorry, they didn't, but did he know just how sexy he looked in that fishing hat that morning?

Of course, Henry ended up getting frustrated with the two girls very quickly, and hastily dismissed them.

Now, due to the pipes in the showers being broken (courtesy of one of Holly's drunken rampages), everyone in the compound had gone without a shower for a whole week. As expected, the unit soon began to smell like a dead skunk that had been killed while on a hot date. In other words, the smell was not exactly pleasant.

Being the bona fide nut that she is, Laura volunteered to be one of the last ones to take a shower, gladly letting people go before her. By the time everyone else had bathed, Laura smelled quite foul.

People could only put up with this for so long. When it became too much for them to bear, they then tried to persuade her to bathe. When this failed, they tried threatening. Again, this didn't work. Then they tried bribing. This worked. True, they had to pay the nut a shit-load of chocolate, but at least people wouldn't have to keep clothes pins over their noses anymore.

So it was, on a cloudy November day (how we suddenly went from May to November is beyond me) in mid-afternoon, that Laura (dressed in Trapper's fuzzy yellow bathrobe and matching slippers, carrying her back-scrubber and rubber ducky) strode down the road and into the nurses showers to bathe. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief… Heh… that kind of rhymed…

Henry watched her from his tent, holding the flap up so he could watch her. He sighed loudly in relief, mentally thanking the man upstairs that the unit had been spared from further torturous smells. Radar stood behind him, his trusty clipboard in hand.

"Finally… She's actually going to take a bath… Radar, you've been elected to make sure that she actually uses soap!" Henry declared as he walked out the door and started to walk away. He didn't get very far, though, because Radar felt that he couldn't do that.

"I can't do that sir!" the company clerk squeaked, running up beside Henry. "I can't go in there while she's naked! I mean… she's a female! I'm a male! A-and well… n-nudity makes me breathe funny! And besides," he added, his tone suddenly carrying a suspicious edge, "she's crazy!"

Henry turned around and gave Radar a stern look.

"Look, O'Reilly, I just want you to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid…" the colonel began in the best calm voice he could manage. Unfortunately, this made Radar uncharacteristically mad, which was quite scary.

"Oh, I see what you're saying sir! You think that just because she's gone off and done some things that resulted in her IQ lowering dramatically, you think she's going to go off and do something completely insane and stupid beyond all reason! Something that might be potentially dangerous! So you're gonna send the company clerk out there, because you're too scared to handle it yourself!" screeched the tiny man in glasses, pointing his finger accusingly at the older man.

Henry had stopped now, and was staring at Radar with his mouth slightly agape. It had been a marvelous tantrum, and had resulted in Henry being completely dumbfounded. This gave Radar the courage to go on.

"And another thing—" Radar was about to start up ranting again when he noticed something coming up behind him…

It was singing Spice Girls songs… it was wearing a pink shower cap decorated with yellow flowers… it was covered with bubbles from the torso down… it was happily scrubbing it's back with a back-scrubber… it was riding in an old-fashioned white porcelain bathtub filled with pink bubbles… it had torn up most of the road during it's rampage… and it was slowly moving towards Radar and Henry…

Yes… it was Laura…

"Oh my god…" Henry and Radar said in unison as Laura went past in her and Holly's private bathtub that they had somehow bought from the black market, it's golden tiger legs (the things holding the tub up) ripping through the ground as they mysteriously walked past the two astounded men.

"How does that work…?" Henry murmured as Laura and the bathtub turned around a corner and disappeared, the nut apparently unaware that she was even moving…

Radar merely stood there, his mouth opening and closing like a fish, apparently at a loss for words.

Suddenly, from the other side of the tent on their left, the two men heard a nurse scream "OH MY GOD!" and the area was soon filled with the shouts and screams of personnel being blinded by the sight of the bathing author. Laura continued to remain oblivious to all… As she was too wrapped up in her own little world…

Henry sighed and rubbed his eyes, shaking his head.

"Well… I think we've learned our lesson…" he muttered to Radar, who nodded.

"Never let Private Rutland near the tub again, sir?" guessed the company clerk.

"Yup," replied the colonel as the voice of Holly suddenly sounded over the PA systems surrounding the area.

"Attention all personnel… Heh, I've always wanted to say that… If anyone recovers any information on the whereabouts of my partner-in-crime—er, I mean Private Rutland, could they please alert me or Captains Pierce and McIntyre? She was last seen approaching the Officer's Club in our bathtub, covered in bubbles, wearing a pink shower cap, and singing some songs that you probably won't recognize… so if she's spotted…" Holly suddenly broke off.

Henry groaned and smacked his forehead with his hand.

'_Why, Lord?'_ he asked the man upstairs. _'Why do you do this to me?'_

The PA suddenly came alive again, only instead of Holly speaking, it was some random dude who sounded quite disturbed.

"Err… Attention all personnel… Private Rutland has gotten out of the bathtub and is now walking to towards the mess tent in her shower cap… surrounded by bubbles… and nothing else… NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC! I REPEAT: NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC!"

Another gush of screams filled the compound as people panicked… Running this way and that… Screaming that the world was coming to it's end… Thinking they would never see their loved ones again… (Considering it was only a naked teen, it's worrying to think of how the camp might react if the enemy decided to attack armed with guns and wearing naught but bubbles…)

Henry looked at Radar.

Radar looked at Henry.

They both thought about retrieving the nut…

Saving the compound from her madness…

Rescuing them from the taste of nudity…

But then they realized right then and there…

They really… truly…

Didn't care…

"Up for some poker Radar?" asked Henry.

"That sounds swell, sir," replied the corporal. "The Swamp?"

"You betcha," Henry replied, and the two then proceeded to walk off towards the Swamp, while people around them freaked out… Temporarily suffering from insanity… Eh, whatever…

**END

* * *

**

_(Note: This next chapter is based on an episode from the Simpsons… I forget which one…)_

**Characters:**

**Homer – Laura and Holly (yes, we're both gonna be Homer… sorta… it'll work out, you'll see…) **

**Marge – Trapper**

**Lisa – Radar **

**Bart – Hawkeye**

**Mr. Burns – Frank**

**Smithers – Margaret **

**Chief Wiggum – Henry**

**Ned Flanders – Sgt. Zale**

**Other characters: Klinger, Father Mulcahy, Igor, and Nurse Kellye

* * *

**

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute Radar. Are you saying that you're _never_ going to eat _any_ kind of animal again? That's crazy!" Laura exclaimed.

"What about bacon?" ventured Holly.

"No, Holly..."

"Ham?"

"No, Laura..."

"Pork chops?"

"Guys, c'mon, they all come from the same animal!"

"Ha ha. Yeah _right_ Radar. A _wonderful, mag-i-cal_ animal."

Radar replayed his conversation that he had with Laura and Holly yesterday over and over in his head. For some reason, he had just realized how bad eating meat was, and now, he was insulting all those he knew who ate meat.

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

Laura and Holly were on their way back to the Swamp. However, they were distracted by a smell of cooking meat, drifting from Sergeant Zale's tent. They became curious, and wondered up the ramp to the front door. The door was open, and they saw Zale with some of his fellow enlisted men, surrounding a barbeque, brilliantly constructed with hospital equipment.

"What do you want?" Zale demanded to know when he saw the two girls peering in the doorway.

"Zale, you're having a barbeque, and you didn't invite us?" Laura felt the anger classes that she went to gradually disappear.

"Hey! This is a 'no-crazies-allowed' barbeque, okay kid? Now scram!" ordered Zale, glaring at Laura as the nut eyed the chicken on the spit in the middle of the tent.

"Oh, I get it. Well, Zale, I'll throw my own party, and invite only who I want to invite!" Laura snapped, feeling even angrier now, after seeing the chicken.

"Yeah, and it'll be ten times better than yours!" Holly added, childishly sticking her tongue out at them. The two girls decided that they wouldn't invite Zale, and that they would upstage him in anyway possible.

Zale found this idea to be hilarious.

"Hah!" he laughed loudly. "You hear that guys? These little squirts think they can throw a better party!" Holly's eyes narrowed as she glared at the older man evilly.

"We will so throw a better party than you, Zaley-boy!" she snapped.

Zale sneered. "Alright. Well when you throw your little barbeque party, the boys and I will come. And we'll see who has the better party then. Ok?"

"Ok." The two girls snapped, forgetting that they didn't want Zale to go to their party. It soon drifted back into their heads though. "D'oh!" they yelled in unison, before turning around and heading back to the Swamp. They didn't want to invite Zale to their barbeque, but had forgotten. Now they were stuck with him coming.

* * *

**After…**

"Laura, do you guys _have_ to serve meat?" Radar asked, as he, Holly, Hawkeye, Trapper, and Laura all sat at their table in the mess tent, eating some sort of brownish-green substance that was supposed to be lasagne.

"Of course we do Radar. All normal people like meat," Laura replied, stuffing some of the brown stuff into her mouth.

"But Laura…" Radar said, hoping the nut would change her mind.

"Let the girls have their fun," Trapper called, sitting opposite of Radar. He too was stuffing his face, though not as enthusiastically as the fifteen-year-old.

"I'm gonna hand out invitations tomorrow, and hold the party after tomorrow. It's gonna be so fun!" Holly yelled, jumping up, spilling her plate of food everywhere, and dancing out the door, loudly singing "You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!" The others figured she was going to type the invitations now.

* * *

**The day of the BBQ…**

After wheeling and dealing with people from the black market, Laura and Holly's barbeque supplies finally arrived… Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit with the finally, when in reality it only took a few hours. But to the girls, you see, it seemed like days. You may wonder how two teens could get so much stuff from the black market with no real knowledge about it (if you think back to the TV show, they don't really explain _how_ to buy things off the black market without being killed). The truth was, the two of them scared the Korean thieves who ran the black market, and with good reason.

The girls were holding their special barbeque near the Post OP. They had made the enlisted men set up five tables, and now everyone was sitting at them, including Sergeant Zale and his cronies. Hawkeye was wandering around the guests, Trapper was picking up finished plates from tables, Laura and Holly were cooking burgers, and Radar was sitting up the basketball pole above them. The corporal had attempted to get the two nuts to serve ice-cold tomato soup, but had failed. He was now sitting on the pole, directly above them.

"Uh, girls! Get me another one of those burgers. I can't seem to stand up on my own will anymore!" Henry called, looking a bit bloated and drunk. Holly flipped up a burger, and tossed it to Henry. He caught it in a bun, and started eating it.

"Hey Laurel! Can I have one?" Hawkeye asked as he approached Laura, who looked at him and grinned.

"Hey Hawkeye, you almost got my name right! Remember, it's _Laura_,_"_ she said before flipping up a burger.

"Here ya go!" she yelled, as it flew up high, up the basketball pole.

"It's bad enough that they eat meat. They don't have to rub it in my face," Radar muttered angrily, sitting up the pole. At that moment, the burger that Laura tossed up splattered directly into Radars' face.

"Urrrggghhhhh…" Radar growled, as the burger slid down his face, leaving behind grease and oil.

Hawkeye went to stand over next to Trapper, who was beside the drink dispenser, with a cup in his hand. Holly thought it was time to bring out her main attraction – a pig on a spit.

"And now, here's the best bit!" she shouted out to everyone, wheeling the pig on the spit into view. Henry managed to get off his behind, and wander over to the pig.

"Ha, ha, Ha, ha. Look at its nose!" he said, pointing at the pig's face with an apple in its mouth.

Zale stood up from his seat, and called out to the two girls. "Congratulations. Your party's are a _huge_ success. A toast to the host who can boast the most roast!" he said, raising his glass in the air, along with Igor, Father Mulchay, Klinger, and Nurse Kellye. **(Koosh: Coming from Ned Flanders, that quote is ok. Coming from Zale, who I don't like very much, it's just creepy.)**

Holly grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. "Ha, ha, ha, ha! Thanks Zale. I'd have to agree, that everything is certainly…Huh!"

Everybody gasped as Radar appeared, riding on a very familiar animal… And that animal's name was Steve the Cow. He had stolen it from Bob's farm, and was riding it directly towards the pig. He had a mad determined look on his face, as he charged Steve straight into the pig, pushing it towards the road.

"Hawk! No!" Trapper yelled, horror across his face. Hawkeye looked over at Trapper, feeling insulted.

"What?" he asked, as Trapper looked at him.

"Sorry. It's force of habit. Radar! No!" he yelled at the disappearing company clerk, watching Laura and Holly chase him down the path. Hawkeye decided to follow, and see where this was going.

"Radar!" Laura screamed, as Radar approached the road. He stopped Steve the Cow, and let the pig and BBQ roll into the dirty road amidst a stampede of cows being led to a field to graze. Laura and Holly ran after it, followed by Hawkeye.

"It's a little dirty, it's good! It's still good!" Laura yelled, chasing it through the cows across the road.

The pig rolled at top speed towards a river. The BBQ smashed into it, and the pig flew off, sailing towards to water. The girls ran towards the edge, and watched in horror as it drifted with the current towards a little wooden bridge that suddenly appeared.

"It's a little slimy, it's still good! It's still good!" Holly yelled as she and Laura ran as fast as they could to the bridge, Hawkeye keeping up with him. The pig got sucked into a little opening of the bridge and wasn't moving.

As the pressure of water behind the stuck pig built up, it eventually was shot out of the small hole, and flew across the fields and over the mountains.

"It's a little air borne… it's good! It's still good!" Laura cried, watching her prized pig fly into the distance towards who-knows-where.

"It's gone girls," Hawkeye said, telling them the cold hard truth.

"We know," the girls whimpered, still staring at where the pig had flown.

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

Frank and Margaret were driving back to the 4077th, having just finished their three days R&R. Margaret was driving.

"You know, Margaret. I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage," Frank said, staring at the sky with his hands behind his back. Margaret glanced at him in surprise.

"When pigs fly!" Frank finished, as he and Margaret began to laugh.

When Laura and Holly's flying roast pig flew past their jeep, the two began to stop laughing, and watched in disbelief as it disappeared from view.

"Wha…?" Frank said quietly, wondering if that really did happen, or it was a figment of his imagination.

Margaret interrupted his trail of thought. "Will you be, donating that million dollars now, Frank?" she asked, watching the Ferret carefully.

"Hmm… No, I'd still prefer not," Frank replied, watching as the 4077th grew larger as they approached.

* * *

**Back at camp later on…**

Holly was sulking over the deceased pork. She'd spent hours preparing that damn thing, and it had cost her all of Frank's saved up pay that he'd meant to send home. As a result, she was refusing to talk to Radar, even though he was seated next to her in the mess tent.

"Hawkeye, ask Radar to pass the salt," she said coldly.

"Radar," Hawkeye said, "Pass the salt please."

"Will she be putting it on her meatloaf?" Radar demanded. Hawkeye just turned to look at Holly's tray, where there was only a slice of meatloaf left.

"Yeah, I guess," he replied. Radar picked up the salt and threw it across the tent. Holly's eye narrowed and brimmed with tears. She'd always figured Radar was one person she could count on helping her out, since he was the only person who was really truly scared of her (Laura was a different matter. Everyone was scared of her). Standing up, Holly left the mess tent, nose high in the air, resulting her in running into the door because she couldn't see where she was going.

"You know Radar," Trapper said thoughtfully, chewing slowly, "These girls don't seem the sort to forgive and forget. You'd either better make it up to them, or watch yourself around camp from now on."

"I don't care," Radar muttered, pushing away his tray of wilted lettuce. He stood up and walked out of the mess tent.

"Little wiener is gonna pay for ruining that roast," Hawkeye muttered, poking the dismal meal in front of him. "And I'm not gonna help him when they get him back."

**END

* * *

**

**Kitty:** Well, there you go! The B&B Special! We hoped you enjoyed reading it as much as we enjoyed typing it.

**Koosh: **Yup! Now you know the drill—read and review! Especially review. They always bring smiles to our faces! Except the bad ones…


	8. The Portals

**Koosh: Sorry for the delay with this chapter, but a lot has been happening lately. Psychotic teachers for Kitty, moving outta home for the first time for me—**

**Kitty: YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU LEFT HOME!**

**Whisky: Yeah, well we did. We're now in the oh-so-sticky-and-hot Australian city of Brisbane.**

**Koosh: Pretty big for someone who's been a country kid for a good 18 and a half years.**

**Zing: Bubbles! Glittery bubbles everywhere! WHEE!**

**Kyle: Ok, that's enough about Koosh. If we have to hear about her one more time, I'll go crazy.**

**Whisky: I second that.**

**Kitty: This chapter was written by Koosh…**

**Kyle and Whisky: -Run away, screaming like little crazy banshees-**

**Kitty: …and edited by moi! Enjoy!**

**Zing: …I like the bubbles!**

* * *

**  
Disclaimer:**

**Koosh: No, we don't own MASH. **

**Kitty: If one of us inherits a fortune from a long lost great aunt we didn't know even existed and can suddenly afford the rights, we'll let you know.**

* * *

**  
Quote of the Day**

**Frank: I wrote on the school paper.**

**Trapper: I wrote on the walls.**

* * *

**  
Chapter 8**

**The Portals**

* * *

Holly was in the Mess tent. She didn't particularly like the Mess tent, but it was the only place she could sit while Frank tried to clean the Swamp. After an incident involving alcohol, Laura, Holly, Hawkeye, Trapper, sleeping Frank and a plate of cold mashed potatoes early that morning, let's just say something hit the fan. And it wasn't the potatoes, although they had been splattered all over the tent. 

She hadn't seen Hawkeye or Trapper anywhere for the last hour or two, they were possibly with nurses. As for Laura, Holly wasn't sure where her companion had gotten to. Last she'd heard, Laura was muttering something about being bored and seeing their friend at the black market about finding a PS2 for them. Not that there was any hope in finding one in the next fifty years or so.

Holly hated to admit it, but she was feeling slightly homesick. She missed the Simpsons on TV, and music that didn't involve Frank Sinatra. She missed fast-food, even though the Mess tent tasted surprisingly like McDonalds before the company went "healthy". She missed Coca-Cola. She missed her computer. Most of all, she missed her books. It seemed like forever since she'd been able to reread the Harry Potter books.

Holly half-heartedly glanced at Klinger as he came into the Mess tent for lunch, and she sat up.

"Klinger!" she hollered across the tent. "C'm'ere a minute!" Klinger looked around at her bitterly.

"What?" he asked, striding up to her. Holly grabbed the dark green handbag off his shoulder that matched particularly well with his new skirt. She opened the bag (a magnetic clasp!) and dug through it.

"Lip gloss!" she cried, holding a small purple cylinder in the air. "Klinger, where'd you get this bag?"

"Uh," Klinger said, obviously trying to think up a good lie.

"I can get back to my room through your closet, can't I?" Holly demanded. "And you _stole_ my favourite bag."

"Uh," Klinger said, still trying to find a lie.

"Keep it," Holly declared, standing up and running out of the tent and in the direction of Klinger's tent.

"Hey!" Klinger yelled, following her. "What are you doing?" Holly didn't reply as she skidded into his tent, knocking over the mannequin that was fitted with a bra. She picked herself up and ripped open the closet door.

"Stay outta my stuff!" Klinger yelled.

"My room is back!" Holly said joyfully, dancing around. "My room is back!" She hugged the surprised Corporal. She then proceeded to fight through the hanging clothes to get to her room. "Tell Laura I'll be back later!" Holly yelled before she shut the doors behind her.

"Wait," Klinger said, opening the door again. "Where do I…" But only the wooden back of his closet met him.

* * *

"Ok, repeat that again, will you?" 

Klinger shuffled uneasily in his red heels.

"Holly's gone."

"Where?" Henry demanded.

"I don't know!" Klinger promised. "One moment, she's in my closet, the next, she'd vanished."

"This isn't another section eight attempt, is it Klinger?" Hawkeye asked.

"Or maybe Laura and Holly are just playing a joke on you," Trapper suggested. Klinger shook his head obstinately.

"This is not a joke, and it's not a section eight attempt," he said.

Laura bounded into the small office, a small burlap sack filled with only the Greek gods know what. Why Greek gods? Because they're better than the Roman gods. So there. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah.

"What up?" she asked happily, staring around the slightly subdued room.

"Holly's gone missing," Henry repeated. Laura's smile slipped a fraction. "Klinger was the last person to see her, and that was hours ago." Laura's insane grin disappeared completely.

"Where did she go?" she asked. Hawkeye and Trapper shrugged at the girl.

"Klinger says she went through his closet," Trapper explained. "This isn't one of your tricks--?" Too late, Laura had run out the door without listening to further questions. She had to see this for herself.

Ten minutes later, Laura slipped out of Klinger's tent again, slightly annoyed. Holly had gone home without telling her! It didn't occur to the teen that she hadn't actually been in camp for Holly to find, but that wasn't the point!

Thinking hard, Laura tried to remember what tent she'd staggered out of when she'd first arrived, only to be put under arrest by Frank. Due to a memory lapse, maybe caused by the trauma of Sporky's Pointed-End-of-**DOOM** being snapped, she couldn't remember.

Now, after thinking very hard for a while, which may have been any time between five seconds to five hours, the call of nature struck Kitty, meaning a quick trip to the officer's latrines.

Though reports are varied at what happened next, most corpsmen agree that Laura's last words before disappearing were: "Oh, so _this_ is the tent I came out of when I arrived!"

* * *

Laura looked around her room from her seat on the floor, surprised it hadn't changed any. She'd have thought Kyle would have done it up like a small throne room for himself, but no, it was exactly as she'd left it. 

"Are you ok?" Kyle asked, sticking his head around the doorway of the frame.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Laura demanded.

"Well…" Kyle said uneasily. "You got zapped, remember? After I said '_I hope you get electrocuted_.'"

"I did?" Laura asked. That was months ago. She barely remembered what happened to her that day. Kyle nodded miserably.

"I didn't mean to jinx you!" he yowled, showing a strange, and unusual sense of remorse.

A dream, Laura sulked when she realised it was only five minutes after she'd originally been zapped. Those months spent in the MASH universe were just an electrical shock induced dream. None of that actually happened.

"Hang on," Kyle said suspiciously, stopping his whimpering a moment. "Why are you in army fatigues?"

* * *

The months went by, and Laura contacted Holly about the whole thing, just to make sure. Apparently, the whole thing was real, though neither could explain why no time had passed while they were in the MASH universe. 

_"Time anomalies hurt my brain,"_ Holly complained in one e-mail.

It was then, Laura had the idea.

_"Let's write about it,"_ she said. _"No one will believe us, but it'd be good to keep a record!"_ Holly readily agreed, and they started writing. It took a few e-mails to established what had really happened (for example, Holly was sure the Korean farmer was called Jae-Hwa, but Laura insisted it was Bob), but finally, they had the whole thing under control.

_"Too bad it didn't last longer,"_ Holly said in one e-mail. _"Think of all the things we missed out on."_ But of course, it wasn't quite over yet. Otherwise, this fanfic would be very short. And nobody likes a very short fanfic, unless they're drabbles.

Am I right, or am I right? That's what I thought.

Anyways, back to the story...

* * *

Nine months passed, and Laura was kneeling in front of her closet. Inside was a small shrine to Sporky, the brave Spork who had been lost at war. Kyle and Zing were watching her mourn the plastic utensil. 

"This is stupid," Kyle moaned. Zing was patting Laura on the shoulder comfortingly, saying "There, there, I'm sure Sporky had a long life, taking over civilisations run by bubbles."

"Thanks, but Sporky was meant to be supreme over ruler of the human race by 2010. He can't do that if he's stuck in a TV show," Laura said glumly.

"You could get a new Spork," Kyle suggested. Laura snapped her head around to glare at him.

"I could get a muse to replace you, too!" she said.

"You did," Kyle pointed out. "Zing." Laura ignored him.

"Oh Sporky, where are you?" Laura wailed. The back of the closet seemed to shimmer.

"Bubble time!" Zing exclaimed, picking up his bubble blower. He handed it to Laura and gave her a pleading look. "Bubbles?" he asked. Laura gave a small smile and blew a few bubbles for the weird muse. Zing started laughing psychotically, and began chasing the bubbles.

_"MY BUBBLES! HEHEHEHEHE!"_

Laura seemed to forget the spork quickly, and appeared to be enjoying herself blowing the bubbles for Zing to chase.

"Get the bandaids," Kyle muttered as Zing took a flying leap at one bubble into the closet and disturbing Sporky's shrine. However, instead of smacking into the wall like expected, Zing seemed to go straight through it and disappear.

"Zing?" Kyle asked. Laura was too busy blowing bubbles for her muse to notice. "Kitty, Zing just disappeared," Kyle said, sounding confused. He went to the closet and touched the back wall. His paw went straight through. "Kitty!" he yelled, sounding scared now.

"What?" Laura demanded.

"There's something wrong with this closet."

Laura took a closer look and touched the closet back experimentally. Her finger went straight through. "Hey, what if it's…" she started, a grin growing quickly on her face. "Come on, Kyle," she said, grabbing the muse's paw and pulling him into the closet. "I think I know what's on the other side!"

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Holly was watching TV in her living room. 

"Mighty-ful master," Whisky said sarcastically, making the teen glance down at the lizard-muse by her foot. The foot-long fire salamander was never really courteous towards Holly, not since the girl had yelled at her for burning the front cover of one of her Stephen King books.

"What?" Holly asked, picking the muse up gently.

"There's a hairy guy in a dress in your room," Whisky said. Holly was confused for a moment.

"A hairy guy in a dress—Klinger!" Holly jumped up after putting the muse on her shoulder and ran to her room. When she reached the door, she glanced in carefully, making sure it wasn't a joke on Whisky's behalf. The muse had a cruel sense of humour.

However, like the salamander had promised, there was a man in a dress in her room, by the closet, staring at what appeared to be a book with strange reflective disks in it. Maybe one day, he'd understand the concept of CD's, but not right now.

"Klinger!" Holly exclaimed, opening the door and making the man jump.

"I thought you said you weren't going to be long," he said sourly as Holly grabbed her old school bag from the floor and tipped all the books out.

"I know, Henry must be pissed at me," Holly said, shoving anything she could lay her hands on into her bag. She stopped abruptly. "Henry's still around, isn't he?" she asked. It had been months since she came back, maybe he had... Klinger nodded and Holly relaxed slightly. "Good," she said, resuming to stuff her bag full. "I know he can be a little difficult at times, but he's a good guy." She zipped her bag up and sighed. "It's been months since I was at the 4077th," she said.

"Months?" Klinger asked. "It's only been three days. And let me just say, you almost got me a section eight. When the others realised you went missing and I told them you went through my closet to… well, wherever this place is, they thought I had gone nuts!"

"So why didn't you get sent home?" Holly asked.

"Henry talked me into saying how impossible it was," Klinger said sourly. "I was this close to going home!"

"So it's only been three days?" Holly asked, just to make sure. Klinger nodded. "The people arguing if time was straight or curved both had it wrong," she murmured and shaking her head with a small smile. "It's twisted."

"What are you doing?" Whisky demanded as Holly swung the backpack onto her shoulder.

"Going back to the 4077th," Holly replied. "Coming?"

Klinger stared at the talking lizard, and looked like he might really think he was going nuts.

"I don't see why I should have to," Whisky complained.

"Fine, I'll go alone," Holly offered, going to take the muse off her shoulder.

"No! I'll come!" Whisky yelled, dodging Holly's hand. "Without me there to keep and eye on you, you might do something stupid."

"Right," Holly grinned at Klinger (who was looking like he might pass out or something), "Let's go!" She followed Klinger through the closet and shut the door behind them.

* * *

"Kitty!" 

"Koosh!"

The two girls started laughing crazily at each other at the sight of each other, for no real apparent reason. Klinger raised his eyebrow nervously as he watched the two girls hug each other to death, babbling random things ("The Sporks are smiling down at us!"--"Time anomalies will not keep me from this hellhole!"--_"I'VE GOT NEW SOCKS ON!"--"SO DO I!"_). No wonder he couldn't get a section eight with these two around.

"Hey," Klinger interrupted them. "Henry will want to see you. He thinks you've both gone AWOL."

"Oh, right," Holly said, still grinning. "Better go see ol' fishing hat Henry, hey?"

"Maybe we should ask him to sign our muses on as well," Laura said. "I'd like to fill out more of those army forms."

Holly glanced at the three muses staring around the camp, who were all slightly aghast. "Yeah, but we'd have to go through Radar for that," Holly reminded her. Both girls' expressions darkened slightly. They still hadn't forgiven Radar for the BBQ incident, and it was more than likely that they'd take a while to.

"Anyway, I got a better idea," Laura said after a moment. "Let's keep 'em hidden for now, and we'll scare Hotlips and Ferret Face with them later!"

"Yeah, or get back at Radar with them," Holly suggested. Both girls started cackling.

"I should've stayed at home," Whisky said, sweatdropping.

"Definitely," Kyle added.

"There's no bubbles here," Zing pouted.

"You guys go hide," Holly commanded to the muses after a moment. "Just watch out for the minefield. Maybe go find Bob and live on his farm with Steve the Cow and Mr. Pig until we need you." The muses slunk off, giving the teen's dark looks over their shoulders.

"They'll be fine," Laura said, skipping towards Henry's office.

"Exactly," Holly agreed, following her.

* * *

Five minutes later, they were in their CO's office, beaming crazily at Henry after telling him they hadn't gone AWOL, and now they were back again, he didn't have to worry about his sanity, because they would be more than happy to take it from him and hold onto it. 

Henry eyed the two girls cautiously.

"If you didn't go AWOL, where were you for three days?" he asked.

"I was helping Columbus find America," Laura said cheerfully.

"And I was abducted by alieums. They're like aliens, except taller," Holly explained. Henry closed his eyes and slowly counted to twenty. Nope, they still didn't make any sense to him.

"I should call the MPs to take you away," he said. "I should, but I won't. Only because they probably wouldn't take you anyway."

"Thanks Henry," the girls chorused.

"You're not such a bad guy, Henry," Holly chirped. "I mean, you sometimes go funny and army on us and try to punish us, but when you realise there's nothing you can do about us, you can be great! We're sorry we said you suck all the fun out of everything…"

"…And we'll make sure no-one calls you a fun-sucker from now on," Laura added cheerfully.

"You're the only two people who have ever called me—"

"See ya later, Henry!" Laura and Holly said before prancing out of the office.

Henry made a sound that sounded suspiciously like a whimper. It was so much easier when he thought the two had been abducted by the enemy…

* * *

**  
SURPRISE BONUS ADDITION TO CHAPTER BY KITTY, WHO FELT GUILTY MAKING KOOSH RIGHT THIS CHAPTER!**

* * *

Laura and Holly quickly learned how the portals worked. It all had something to do with the alignment of the planets, the positions of the stars, and what was served for lunch that day. Or something like that… 

The arrival of the Terrible Two had caused several celebration parties to be cancelled, which put over half of the personnel in rather grumpy moods. Actually, the only people that seemed happy to have the two psychos back was Hawkeye and Trapper, who had begun to find the quiet and peacefulness of the compound a bit dull after having gotten use to the usual mayhem and chaos the two girls tended to create—wow, that was a long sentence...

Anyways, a week after the duo's unexpected return, Laura returned from her time, via the portal in the latrine that only seemed to activate upon her entry. She was not in a happy mood. Her face was red, her eyes were flashing, and she was lugging around a baby blue messenger book bag that was bulging with books, folders, and notebooks.

Holly, who had returned from her time only an hour before, watched her friend storm into their tent with raised eyebrows.

"Bad day?" she asked dryly, turning a page in her Artemis Fowl novel.

"You have no idea," the younger girl muttered, dumping her bag on the floor and flopping over onto her cot.

"You know, we seriously need to start unpacking sometime soon," Holly said, gesturing to the many cardboard boxes filled with the girls' personal possessions that took up most of the space in the tent.

The two girls had brought everything they could bear to part with to Korea, including Laura's soda machine (which her uncle, an owner of a Coke factory, had given her for her fifteenth birthday), Holly's collection of shoes, their many fantasy novels, their videogames, and some beanbag chairs (a purple one with had silver swirls on it that had 'The Almighty Kitty' written on it in black permanent marker and a greenish-blue one that had 'The Great Kooshball' scrawled on it, also in permanent marker).

They had also brought wacky bedspreads the girls had brought from home, some white sheets the two girls planned to tie-dye, some posters of various things (such as Laura's giant poster of a white baby seal that had 'Help Support Greenpeace' written across the top in big green letters, and Holly's giant poster of Stewie from Family Guy torturing his teddy bear), and a boom box that Laura had swiped from a family member who was either her third cousin four times removed, or her fourth cousin three times removed, several CD cases filled with (what else?) CDs, and other junk you'd find in a young girl's room.

"Yeah, you're right," Laura admitted grudgingly, shoving Kyle and Zing off of her paperback copy of 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince' irritably. "But let's not do it right now… I'm not in the mood."

"Obviously," snorted Holly, setting her book down. "So, you wanna tell me what happened?"

Laura shrugged. "Well, nothing really happened per se," she began, "it's just that America has seriously sunk down to an all time low."

"How so?" Holly asked curiously.

"Well, for starters," Laura began, her voice taking on a dangerous edge, "today over the school announcements we learned that a finger was found in a bowl of chilli from Wendy's."

"A… finger?" Holly echoed.

Laura nodded. "Yup. And everyone was making a big deal about it—and I mean a _really _big deal!"

"Well… It _was_ a finger after all."

The fifteen-year-old scowled. "Well yeah, but it wasn't really that surprising. Frankly, I was surprised that everyone else was surprised! If there's one thing that I thought that anyone born in America would know by the time they turned five, it's that you should always prepare for the worst when you go through a drive-thru at a fast food restaurant!" **(Kitty: This is true!)**

Holly blinked. Laura continued to rant, oblivious to all else.

"It's like some freakin' human instinct! It's one of the things that little voice inside your head talks to you about: don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull! For God's sake, people are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar! What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive!"

"Er… Laura? Don't you think you're takin' this just a _little_ bit too seriously?" Holly suggested. Laura shook her head furiously.

"No, no I'm not! America is doomed! Do you know what the number one reason for health problems and death in America is caused by?"

"Er—"

"Obesity! Because of the freakin' fast food places, who aren't exactly helpin' to prevent it! The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass ordering it. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooooh, you're a huge azzhole!"

"You know, Australia's the same way." Holly said loudly, trying to make her friend feel better. Laura, too involved in her rant, did not hear this.

"And the IQ's of the teens of America today are dropping with each generation! Girls are too busy worrying about their looks, and guys are either too busy thinking with what's in their pants, or are too busy being brainwashed by videogames!"

"Laura calm down—" Holly cried in an attempt to soothe the younger girl, who seemed unable to hear her.

"Over two-thirds of the kids at my school either do drugs, spend their time trying to make others feel bad while making themselves look good, or are in gangs! I saw this one chick in the bathroom in tears and on the verge of killing herself because she thought she saw a wrinkly near her eye! It turned out to be one of her eyelashes! Next thing you know, she's all happy and perky and giddy once more!" raved the tiny girl.

_"LAURA—"_

"I mean c'mon! They're throwing their lives away! I swear, one day I'm just gonna go up to some women fixing themselves up in a bathroom at a restaurant and say, 'Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone! Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done!'"

Holly finally decided to just give up and let her friend rant and rave herself into exhaustion.

"And the old people! No one's got any respect of 'em anymore! I saw some skinhead boys bullying an old man the other day at the mall. Pissed me off more than anything, y'know? Stop messing around with old people, dammit! Y'know, Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis!"

"Right you are, Laura," Holly agreed, thinking that if she just nodded her head and agreed with everything her friend said, that she'd eventually stop.

"And _why _do people have to make things so damn complicated all the time? When I asked how old my little cousin was, I didn't need to know how old the toddler was in months. '27 months,' my aunt said. Why the hell did I need to know that? 'He's two,' will do just fine, thank you very much! He's not a cheese, and I didn't even care in the first place!"

"Yup," said Holly, back to reading her book. Laura was now pacing across the tent.

"And Internet pop-up ads! Don't even get me started!"

"I won't," promised Holly, not really listening as she had reached a rather climactic part in her book.

"Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Laura said shrilly. "Aside from the fact that I'm not even out of high school yet, there's a reason you don't talk to people for twenty-five years: because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team at my school is gonna be doing in twenty-five years: mowing my effin' lawn!"

"I completely agree," Holly said, still absorbed in her book. Laura collapsed onto her cot, having finally tired herself out.

"Thanks for listenin', Holly," she muttered gratefully, yawning.

_"WATCH OUT ARTEMIS! IT'S A TRAP!"_ screeched Holly, oblivious to what the younger girl had said. Laura blinked, then shrugged, picked her Harry Potter book back up, and began to read.

"Wow…" Kyle finally said, he and the other two muses having long been forgotten.

"You said it," Whiskey muttered, shaking her head.

"I wonder if they want to try some of my bubble-therapy…" Zing muttered to himself, going into his own little world…

* * *

**  
Kitty: That's it for now!**

**Koosh: Come back later for chapter nine, when we—**

**Kitty: DON'T GIVE ANYTHING AWAY!**

**Koosh: Oops, sorry! Anyway, come back later, and don't forget to review!**

**Kitty: And buy a spork, to support Sporky and his global take over. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—ACK! –chokes on one of those little Valentine candy hearts-**


End file.
